January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #36 - Misc Humour
Here you go folks… a bunch of Misc Humour I’ve been saving up. This will be the fifth of eight Packages to be sent between August 23rd and August 30th.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A HORSE PERSON WHEN …
You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don’t mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food…
You know you’re a horse AND dog person when you don’t mind throwing frozen manure balls for the barn’s goldie to fetch!
Someone says, “does anyone have a screwdriver?” and you hand them a hoofpick.
The real estate agent asks what kind of house you are looking for and you say “More than six acres.”
You find yourself analyzing leg and foot conformation on your friends, and thinking how corrective shoeing could improve their way of going.
You run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated. (If a horses teeth do not wear evenly, they will have to be floated (filed) to restore a good grinding surface.)
You can find your boots in the dark by the manure aroma.
You drive up in the yard, get out of the car and inhale the perfume of the manure pile.
You don’t notice the barn smells on your clothing and wonder why “regular” folks are sniffing the air.
Your first sign of spring is not seeing a robin, but seeing a fly.
You go to the gas station and ask the attendant to check the “off hind” (and you know you’re in horse country when the young man immediately walks to the right rear tire!)
Your car is the only one in the company parking lot that has an inch of dust INSIDE and when you open the door, a swarm of flies emerges.
Your mother has a run in the bottom of her hose and you tell her she has a split hoof.
You teach your little brother to skip by getting him to “canter,” then “switch leads” until he’s doing one-tempi flying changes (skipping!)
Your truck looks like a bomb exploded in a tack shop.
When your husband walks into the bedroom and sees you wearing your underwear and tall black boots and his only comment is “Oh, did the new boots finally arrive?”
Your father gets worried when he overhears you talking to a friend: “And he had the cutest butt! I happened to be behind him for a while, and practically couldn’t take my eyes off his butt. And he had really nice legs, and a real strong back, and nice shoulders, and such a pretty face! He came over to say hello once. What a handsome guy!” When you tell him that you were talking about a horse, he’s not sure whether to be reassured of get even more worried.
Your motto is “baling twine will fix anything.”
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to go give her a hug.” So, Adam runs off in the bush to find Eve. Adam comes back a few seconds later and asks, “Lord, what is a ‘hug’?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who ran back through the bush to find Eve. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to kiss Eve.” So, Adam runs off into the bush, but reappears a few seconds later and asks, “Lord, what is a kiss?” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the hug.” And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to have sex with Eve to produce children.” Adam ran off into the bush again, but came back out a few seconds later and asked, “Lord, what does ‘have sex’ mean?” So, the Lord have Adam directions and Adam took off again into the bush, only to reappear in a few seconds, and asked, “Lord, what is a ‘headache?’”
There is something sinister about this whole thing: 666 is exactly 2.138 times the height of the pyramid of Cheops and if we multiply the height of the pyramid by 3.36 million, we get the EXACT, let me repeat that - EXACT - distance to the moon. This next part is much more than just mere coincidence: if you drop the zeros off 3.36 million and then add the 3 to the 36, you get a figure which is EXACTLY equal to the age that Bill Gates would have been on his 39th birthday. This provides CONCLUSIVE proof that Bill Gates is either an extraterrestrial or a pyramid.
Credit to: Nostradamus
Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine:
Sign seen at a gas station: Coke – 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees”: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, “She’s half as old as I am, that’s how I always remember.” So someone else (okay, it was me) said, “That’s neat… So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?” My co-worker thought about that, and then said, “Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.”
Q: What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer? A: Tar and Feathers.
The terrorists have seized the “Attorney Building” along with everyone in it. They are demanding $10 Million. But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears.
The terrorists announce to the police, “In case you think we’re not serious, if our demands aren’t met, we’re going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time.”
The other day I was sitting in the doctor’s office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn’t even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.
About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, “Doctor, what on earth happened in there?” The doctor replied, “Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.” “Pregnant? A nun? That’s impossible!”, said the nurse.
“I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.”
If 99.9% is good enough then….
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped every year
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled every hour
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers
Two planes landed at Chicago’s O’Hare airport will be unsafe every day
315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
3056 copies of tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections
Famous last words in Las Vegas: “Give me the money I told you not to give me!”