January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #32 - Misc Humour
Here you go folks… a bunch of Misc Humour I’ve been saving up. This will be the first of eight Packages to be sent between today and next Saturday.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
AN HONEST RESUME
As Randy was working on re-spinning his resume’ this past week, he realized that we’re never quite truthful on resume’s and job applications. We try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we really are. So today, Randy thought he’d fill out a job application the way he wants to rather than the way he should …
NAME: Randy Allen
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collections of hubcaps and beer bottles.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Ways to Tell That You’re Not In College Anymore:
You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen, and cereal. It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m. Three words: School Loan Payments You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can’t afford that dream Porsche. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s end. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA’s, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA’s, Interest rates and their kid’s orthodontia. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News. Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable. You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends”. METABOLISM SLOWDOWN Football “season tickets” go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food. When drinking, you say at least once per night, ‘I just can’t put it down the same as I used to’. You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left his house.
“Is that your grandmother?”, I asked. “Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit for a few weeks. “How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”
“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her we just go there and get her.”
WAYS TO SURVIVE EVEN THE DULLEST OF SERMONS
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on ‘Q’ and ‘X’ though… Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn. If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Pretend to be 4 years old. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt inside out. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Think about your chin for an entire minute. Twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle your neighbours thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. Practice smiling insincerely.
[Moderator: my sister will LOVE this one]
Nearly ALL sick people have eaten PEAS (obviously then, the effects are cumulative).
An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer or heart attacks have eaten PEAS.
Another 99.9% of people involved in auto accidents ate PEAS within 60-days before the accident.
Some 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where PEAS were served frequently.
Among people born in 1839 who later dined on PEAS, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
All PEA-eaters born between 1900-1910 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight (provided, of course, that eating PEAS hasn’t already killed them).
Several years ago there was an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?“. “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”.
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.
“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!
All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten in. Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear _________ : a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your ______________ a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my __________ a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the _____________ a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni
that I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your ___________ a) house, b) wife, c) Cub Scout troop, d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch, e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to _____________ a) imagine, b) fathom, c) comprehend, d) appreciate, e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to __________________ a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at
a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your ____________ a) friend. b) child. c) sibling. d) lease co-signer. e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that _______________ a) was so stupid. b) was so silly. c) would have been funny if it worked. d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first. e) I’m going to use again on someone else.
(print your name here)