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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #31 - Army Humour

Boy… you run a mailing list for 9 months and in two days you end up reading more survey results than you had to in the first 8.5 months… Heheh. Thanks for all the great feedback.

One of the comments that was made to me was to try and seperate this header from the jokes a little bit more, so hopefully you can tell with this Package where this drivel ends and where the humour starts.

I will be pre-Packaging packages to be sent next week while I’m on vacation. If all goes well, you folks will enjoy my holiday as much as I will because I’m going to be sending one Package every day starting this Saturday, ending the following Saturday. Hopefully this won’t be too much for all you humour buffs to handle.

So more military humour, huh? Well, one of the surveys I read yesterday was from a guy who claims that he’s 21 to 24 years old, yet has a son in the Army. I guess they’re recruiting younger and younger these days. Pretty soon, the American Army will be so desperate for forces I bet they cross the border and try to enlist some of us Canadians… That is, they’ll try to cross our borders, but with the 5 feet of snow they expect to hit the second they cross the border, it’d be pretty funny to watch.

Anyhow, this Package is dedicated to everyone who is or has been in the military.


Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A battalion commander at Fort Campbell, Ky., took a keen interest in his soldiers’ fitness. Once a month this lieutenant colonel would personally lead his troops in an aerobics session. One day he saw one of his men operating a vehicle recklessly in the unit area. He waved the soldier to a halt and began chewing him out. Failing to get a response from the soldier, he grew annoyed. “Don’t you know who I am?” he asked angrily.

Suddenly, the soldier’s face brightened. “Sure,” he replied. “You’re that aerobics guy!”

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The major of a regiment came across a lion suffering pain from a thorn in his paw. Pitying the poor animal, the major extracted the thorn. Considering what he could do in return for the kindness, the grateful lion secured a copy of the army register, ran his eye over the list of officers in the major’s regiment, and waylaid and devoured both the colonel and the lieutenant colonel, so that his friend, the major, could be promoted.

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The first sergeant was holding a class on combat for his company. He said, “LaHaye, what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers coming at you?” LaHaye said, “I would shoot them all with my rifle.”

The sergeant asked, “On the right you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you. What would you do? LaHaye said, “I would shoot them with my rifle.”

The sergeant continued, “Okay! On your left, LaHaye, you notice 1,000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do?” LaHaye answered again, “I would shoot them all with my rifle.”

The sergeant yelled, “Just a minute, LaHaye. Where are you getting all those bullets?”

The soldier smiled and said, “The same place you’re getting all those enemy soldiers.”

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Most of the time Drill Sergeants are unflappable. This one day though the tuff old-time Sergeant did pause a minute or two. He asked one of the recruits, a wiry looking lil’ guy if he was fit for hard labor.

The guy didn’t blink and said, “Well, some Judges thought so.”

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WASHINGTON – A dozen U.S. Army Black Hawk helicopters, their lights out, descended from the night sky March 4 on a corner of Charlotte, N.C. They swooped among the high-rise apartment buildings, then dropped dozens of special operations troops, some with their weapons blasting, into an abandoned warehouse to capture a group of “terrorists.”

Some terrified residents grabbed their guns. Others ducked into doorways. The 911 line went crazy, as did Mayor Pat McCrory’s telephone line.

“I could barely hear the callers because of the helicopter noise and the gunfire in the background,” McCrory recalled.

Neither McCrory nor his police chief was sure what was going on. But they had a clue: Three months earlier, two men in jeans and T-shirts from the secretive U.S. Army Special Operations Command had visited McCrory’s office to ask permission to conduct urban counterterrorism exercises they said would go unnoticed. McCrory signed a confidentiality statement agreeing not to disclose the event beforehand for national security’s sake.

“We were misled,” said McCrory, who was forced by the public outcry to kick the Army out of Charlotte after the first of what was to have been three days of urban anti-terrorism training.

“How they thought you could come in and out without any disturbance is beyond me. It was almost like a blitzkrieg operation. People went and got their guns. I feel fortunate no one was hurt.”

Over the last three years, the U.S. Army Special Operations Command has conducted at least 21 such exercises in 21 U.S. cities, including Atlanta, Chicago, Dallas, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Miami, Pittsburgh and Seattle.

In city after city, the exercises have drawn fire from frightened residents who are not told beforehand that the several roaring helicopters flying in circles several hundred feet overhead late at night – blacked out except for a tiny red taillight for safety – are trying to get as close as possible to the buildings they appear about to crash into.

The confusion and fear caused by their invasion is compounded when residents see dark-suited figures slide down ropes dangling from the choppers and then begin firing loud blanks from their assault weapons.

The simulated sound of grenades and incoming artillery often follows, as does, in some cases, the sound of real, small breaching explosives used to blast open doors.

To top it off, local police are on hand to keep traffic away from the exercise site – typically an abandoned warehouse, jail or apartment building – but often refuse to tell motorists what the commotion is all about.

News media offices and 911 operators, who are not alerted to the exercises beforehand, also cannot provide information. Several callers to state law enforcement agencies have been told to call the Defense Department in Washington.

Last June, troops were forced to leave Pittsburgh early because of the uproar. In Houston, a night’s exercise was cut short when a helicopter landed hard, rolled over and its two occupants were hospitalized. Thousands of callers to local media there demanded that the troops leave town. “Who invited them?” demanded one caller.

Lt. Col. Pete Pierce of Special Operations Command said the Army retreated early from Charlotte because the operations were more disruptive than anticipated. He said people on the streets closest to the exercises were notified just before the maneuvers but, he added, “in the process of notification, people are going to get missed.”

Army officials argue that only cities give troops the chance to work on real-life challenges, such as using night-vision equipment in partially lit areas, avoiding power lines and dropping troops quickly enough to go virtually unnoticed by the citizenry.

It is safer for the troops to descend in secret than to alert residents and risk the sightseeing crowds that would gather, said one Army official, who added: “And they don’t want their equipment photographed. They don’t want their tactics, operations and procedures known.”

As the threat of urban terrorism abroad has increased, Army officials say it has become all the more important that their troops be skilled at flying into an urban obstacle course of skyscrapers and towers and inserting teams of special operations troops: Green Berets, Rangers, the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment and the super-secret Delta Force. Such troops would likely be deployed abroad to rescue hostages, capture enemies and kill terrorists.

“I can’t imagine there isn’t an American around who wouldn’t want these guys to be as good as they can be,” said Army Lt. Col. Ray Whitehead. “This is real serious stuff.”

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The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn’t until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

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  1. STOP DENYING.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and pressures which you have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally. Meditate even more frequently.

ARMY VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness: then you can’t hear your body crying out for you to let the Institution down.

  1. AVOID ISOLATION.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Don’t do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to agitation and depression.

ARMY VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no one will distract you. They’re just trying to hurt your productivity.

  1. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.

AIR FORCE VIEW: If your job, your relationship, a situation, or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstance, or, if necessary, leave.

ARMY VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, suppress these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee.

  1. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.

ARMY VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you run the real risk of having an original thought, which is not supported by Army doctrine. Nondoctrinal = nonproductive.

  1. STOP OVERNURTURING.

AIR FORCE VIEW: If you routinely take on other people’s problems and responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.

ARMY VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven’t thoroughly read your job description.

  1. LEARN TO SAY “NO.”

AIR FORCE VIEW: You’ll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.

ARMY VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight.

  1. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself.

ARMY VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. If you want it done right, do it yourself (see #5)

  1. REASSESS YOUR VALUES.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. You’ll conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.

ARMY VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If your values change, we will inform you. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for PAO. It will be taken care of.

  1. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.

ARMY VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by liberal arts schools. Don’t be a fool: the only things that matter are work, branch qualification, and your APFT score.

  1. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Don’t skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally.

ARMY VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the Institution. Drive the body unrelentingly and the mind will follow.

  1. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum – it changes nothing. You’ll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real needs. If necessary, listen to more Barry Manilow!

ARMY VIEW: If you’re not worrying about work, you must not be very committed to it. We’ll find someone who is.

  1. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they’re having fun.

ARMY VIEW: Note that “have fun” does not appear on a METL anywhere. If fun were necessary you would be able to find it there.

  1. BE CREATIVE.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Encourage free thinking. Talk through potential solutions and consider implementing new approaches to old problems.

ARMY VIEW: Form a salient. Two up and one back. Three-to-one and then you’re done. Declare victory.

  1. NURTURE YOUR EXTERNAL SUPPORT NETWORK.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Build a successful relationship with your spouse and children. Take the time necessary to grow together and appreciate one another. Succeed as a family.

ARMY VIEW: A truly patriotic spouse and family will support your dedication to hard work at all times. The relative importance of holidays, anniversaries, and the birth of your children is strictly dependent on the unit training schedule. If your spouse cannot cope, try seducing a subordinate who is more likely to be cognizant of the true meaning of your selfless service to the Institution.

  1. MAINTAIN A SANCTUARY.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Establish a home environment where you can escape from the pressures at work, relax, and seek peace with your inner self.

ARMY VIEW: Establish a home environment that closely resembles field conditions. Army housing was designed with this in mind. You will be able to establish transference to your work duties and get more done in the little time you must spend away from the office. Your family will understand, unless they have already lived on an Air Force Base.

  1. ESTABLISH A SUPPORTING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EXTERNAL COMMUNITY.

AIR FORCE VIEW: Encourage a sense of community with churches, schools, and local charities. Seek to interleave the community’s support network with the base’s, which will enrich the lives of both airmen and their civilian hosts alike.

ARMY VIEW: Ensure that at least 15 strip bars, 10 liquor stores, 6 pawn shops, and 2 tattoo parlors are accessible within 1 mile of the front gate of any post.

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