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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #26 - Kids, Religious Humour

Originally, I had wanted Package #25 to be a Package full of jokes that users submitted, but quickly realized that I’ve only got three or four people that submit jokes when I ask for them (thanks to Gary, Jason and Claudia, and Scott).

So, for #25, we just had a standard Package.

It would seem that the majority of the humour that I collect (that’s clean enough for a Package) revolves around one of five themes:

  • kids
  • relationships
  • sports
  • lawyers
  • idiots

Quite often, some jokes will combine two or more of the above… especially the last two.

Today’s Package will be mostly about things that little kids say, with a few other jokes about pastors and churches thrown in for good measure. Don’t worry, the jokes aren’t THAT bad… Enjoy!

(Useless trivia: if I sent out a Package every day starting today, I have enough joke material to send Packages DAILY until the end of March ‘98)

By the way, I just subscribed one of my ex-girlfriends (who is now married), so I guess I can’t make fun of my ex’s anymore, or she’ll think I mean her. Everybody say hi to Kim.

On to the humour:


Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.


“Give me a sentence about a public servant”, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means ?” she asked.

“Sure”, said the young student confidently. “It means ‘carrying a child’.”

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A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, “Yes he did, dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!” “Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free, ” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”. Peter’s reply: “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

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“Madame Fortune Teller, do you think there are golf courses in heaven?”

“I have good news, and I have bad news…”

“What’s the good news?”

“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”

“That’s wonderful.”

“The bad news is that you will be teeing off around 8:30 tomorrow morning.”

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Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.

We asked how they prepare their chickens.

The answer was, “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

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(From Scott, a subscriber)

Dear God,

So far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped. I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t lied or cheated. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I’m very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed; and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

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Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.

He soon received a reply from the VA.:

“We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year.”

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:

“Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:

a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.

b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).

c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.

d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.

e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.

f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.

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Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

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“Oh, Now I get it” by Janet Konttinen, San Francisco Chronicle, July 22, 1997.

I remember seeing a kid in the grocery store with dirt and old food on his face, wearing a filthy T-shirt, barefoot and eating a two-pound candy bar. I couldn’t imagine why his mother had brought him to the store looking that way and why she would give him a candy bar at 10 in the morning. That was before I had four kids. Now I know why.

His face was dirty because he was going through a phase in which having his face wiped seemed worse to him than getting beaten. She chose not to do either. His T-shirt was filthy because it was his favorite one. He wore it every day and every night. Just as they were walking out the door to go to the store, he had pulled it out of the clothes hamper and surprised her with it at the front door. By then she didn’t dare risk interrupting the momentum she’d built toward the car by going back into the house to get a clean one. He had shoes on when they left for the store, but he took them of in the car and threw one out the window on the freeway. She was relieved it was the left shoe, since he’d thrown a right one out the window the week before. He was eating a big candy bar because she had promised him he could pick out his own treat at the store if he didn’t throw the cat into the pool for a whole week. She was desperate because it was the neighbor’s cat and couldn’t swim.

I used to think that my children would eat only fresh, organic fruits and vegetables and free-range chicken. Now I look forward to our semiweekly luncheon at McDonald’s. I have acquired a genuine love for secret sauce, and relish the fact that my kids can’t do anything wrong there. This includes drenching their french fries in ketchup, then spitting their cola out on top of the fries, molding the whole mess into a big ball, then throwing it at one another.

Before, when I would see a woman wheeling a kid around in a dirty stroller, I’d ask myself, “Why did she give birth to that child if she didn’t plan to keep the stroller clean?” The other week at my annual stroller washing party, I found ground cover growing in the storage compartment of one of mine.

When I would see children throwing fits in public, I would wonder why the parents didn’t just tie the kids’ arms and legs together and put them in the trunk of the car until they had finished shopping. Now I know it’s because they left the rope at home.

When several children were screaming in an airplane, I’d wonder why there wasn’t a separate airplane, and a separate planet, for kids. I know now that their parents wish the same thing and that they had to take the kids to attend the family reunion at Aunt Lois’ so they could see Uncle George before he kicked the bucket.

The kids were crying because their parents wouldn’t let them eat the headset, stick their fingers in the ear of the lady in front of them, or press the attendant call button for the 100th time. The parents were preoccupied with trying to decide where to change the really smelly diaper. Should they change it on the seat next to the couple on their honeymoon, or on the floor in the back where five perky flight attendants were playing bumper cars with those one-ton food carts? Forget the bathroom. They were designed to hold one person with short legs. The parents feared that the smell would cause a panicky passenger to pull open the emergency exit in order to trigger the release of the oxygen masks, and they’d all be sucked out of the airplane.

Now when I see a little girl wearing cowboy boots on the wrong feet, a pink bathing suit on backward and Army helmet, I think “She IS absolutely sure that her shoes are on the right feet, and she likes the way the helmet looks with the swimsuit. And, no, she doesn’t want to wear a jacket because ‘she likes to be cold’. She is happy.”

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