January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #25 - Misc Humour (again)
Hi folks, guess who?
I sent out one last plea to the remaining 182 subscribers that hadn’t resubscribed to this new list. I sent a last admin message ever from the old HumourList at about 12:30am last night. It’s amazing the feedback you get when the subject line reads ‘Subscription Cancellation Notice’. Reminds me of a quick joke:
So one day, this guy rushes into the Revenue Canada office (that’s our version of the IRS), all sweaty and panicked. He walks to the teller and says, “Sorry I’m late… I got this ‘final notice’ in the mail about paying my taxes… I, I, I don’t know what happened to the first notice, usually I’m so organized - I don’t want this to affect my credit rating etc.” The teller smiled, took the man’s cheque and replied, “Sir, that IS the first notice - we just find it more effective to mark it as the ‘final’ notice.”
Please refer to HumourList Package #2 - Bar Jokes, about the skinny, scrawny guy that walks into the bar to squeeze the lemon.
Anyhow, as promised, August is going to be ‘double time’ month - I’m going to try and send a Package twice a week now for the month and see what kind of feedback I get. Speaking of feedback, please check out the Official HumourList Home Page:
There have been some slight changes and some additions to the page, including the 5-star humour award HumourList has received from HumorSearch - a new humour search engine, and also a ‘guestbook’ for feedback, provided by the kind people at http://www.lpage.com
This Package, as with all Packages this month, will be Miscellaneous Humour Packages (non-themed) because I’m trying to sort out the 700+ jokes I’ve already got waiting to be sent. I may be able to squeeze out the odd themed Package though, depending on how many of these jokes I can actually get sorted.
On to the humour:
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. (I still do !) But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, “Oh. I see. Is that when Mommie came to work for us ?”
“What do you mean,” roared the politician, “by publicly insulting me in your old rag of a paper? I will not stand for it, and I demand an immediate apology.”
“Just a moment,” answered the editor. “Didn’t the news item appear exactly as you give it to us, namely, that you had resigned as city treasurer?”
“It did, but putting it in the ‘Public Improvements’ column is unacceptable…”
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county, ” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hold and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.
“Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”
An old man thought that his wife might have a hearing problem so one day he went up behind her and said,“Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response so he moved closer and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still no answer, so he moved right up behind her shoulder and said, “Honey, can you hear me?”
His wife turned around and said, “For the 3rd time, YES!”
Golf is a sport in which a little white ball is chased by men who are too old to chase anything else.
Football isn’t as violent as it appears. It’s nothing like trying to get to the rest rooms at halftime.
Small Bobby had been to a birthday party, and, knowing his weakness,his mother looked him straight in the eye and said,” I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake?”
“No,” replied Bobby,“I only asked Mrs Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it and she gave me two more pieces herself!”
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!”
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?” Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”
“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.
“Yes it is,” Jerry said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live life.”
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, “If I were any better, I’d be twins. Wanna see my scars?” I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
“The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door,” Jerry replied. “Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”
“Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked. Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Bullets!’ Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.