January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #24 - Misc humour
The new list is up and running, and I’d like to say thanks to the 100+ subscribers from the old list and welcome to the 20-something new subscribers who probably read about HumourList in one of the humour newsgroups. Thanks for coming out - hopefully you won’t be disappointed.
On to the jokes (who really wants to hear me babble anyways…):
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
An elephant met a lion in the jungle and asked, “Why do you make such a fool of yourself by roaring so much?”
“Oh, there’s a good reason for it,” replied the lion jovially. “They call me the king of the beasts because I advertise.”
A rabbit, hiding in the brush, overheard this conversation and was deeply impressed. He thought he would try the lion’s strategy and when he encountered a fox, the rabbit tried to roar like the lion – but it came out a tiny squeak. The unimpressed fox had himself a meal in the woods, reminding himself in the process that it does not pay to advertise unless you have the goods.
The Mayor had been invited to speak to the students of the local elementary school on the subject of Americanism. He began his talk by saying, “It’s wonderful to live in America. I remember when I was a boy in grade school … those were the happiest days of my life. And, I can tell by looking at your faces that you, too, are happy. Why are you so happy today?”
Although he asked the question merely to make a point, one little fellow did raise his hand. The Mayor called on him, asking “Why are you so happy today?”
“Well, you see,” said the boy, “if you keep talking for another ten minutes, we won’t have time for our history lesson and we’ll go straight to recess.”
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A husband desperate to end an argument offered to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declined his offer: “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”
Frantically he offered her a new house. Again she rejected his offer: “That’s not quite what I had in mind, either.” Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?” She retorted, “I’d like a divorce.”
He answered, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much.”
Rules for Living in Washington (submitted by Gary Mason)
Source: Washington Post (Who compiled the list)
If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for.
Don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
There is always one more jerk than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
“No” is only an interim response.
You can’t kill a bad idea.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with its quills down is just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can’t counter the argument, leave the meeting.
The Top 50 signs that you are addicted to the Internet:
- You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
- Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
- You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
- All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3.
- And even your night dreams are in HTML.
- You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when they left.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new Email arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has his/her own home page.
- You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.
- You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
- You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
- You check your Email. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
- You refer to your age as 3.x.
- You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net; his/her friends know not to call on his/her line anymore.
- Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
- Even though you died last week, you’ve managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
- You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
- You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
- You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address.
- You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
- Your friends no longer send you Email… they just log on to your IRC channel.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
- You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
- You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 3.02 or higher.”
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- You forget what day/year it is.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
- You ask your doctor to implant a gigabyte hard drive in your brain.
- You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net.”
- You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited.”
- You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
- Your wife says communication is important in marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.