January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #21 - Idiots, Misc Humour
USELESS TRIVIA: Subscribers as of 2:25am, July 8th: 297 HumourList Home Page hits: 1326
Wow, it’s been a while. Remember me? Sorry for the huge, massive, incredible delays folks, but work is getting quite busy and so is my social life… who’d have thought? Still single, though, which is going to make it pretty fun to try and beg someone to attend a wedding I’m MC’ing in August. Everybody say hi to Glenn… Glenn is tying the noose, er… knot, on August 9th.
Speaking of idiots I decided that enough was enough: I currently have 445 unchecked humour messages in a mailbox, taking up about 2.5 MB, and another 250kb or so of jokes that I’ve looked at long ago. Needless to say, I’ve got more than enough humour to keep me going for a while, and hopefully in August, if that’s okay with everyone, I’ll be sending out bi-weekly Packages to get caught up… Of course, if I hadn’t lost my entire joke archives last month, I’d be able to do bi-weekly misc. humour Packages for the until Christmas…
Oh yeah, back to this wedding thing: if anybody knows of any good wedding / reception kind of jokes, I’d really appreciate hearing some of them. Like other HumourList submissions, they should be clean, and I’ll give credit at the reception to whoever can submit a joke.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
HOW TO BEAT A DWI CHARGE
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?” The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
“First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?” “Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies. “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks. “Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.” “Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both recovering alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”
IDIOT GOES TO PRISON
Three guys, a family man, an entrepreneur, and an idiot, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants.
The family man says, “I’d like to take a woman with me.” The judge reluctantly agrees, and the family man takes his wife and heads off to solitary. The entrepreneur says, “I’d like to take a telephone with me.” The judge agrees, and off goes the entrepreneur with his telephone. The idiot pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, “I’d like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me.” The judge agrees, and off goes the idiot with his cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the family man’s cell, and out he comes with his wife and 15 children: “It wasn’t so bad….” The entrepreneur emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone.
The idiot then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, “Anybody got a match?”
IDIOTS GOING TO PRISON
A woman was reporting her car, which she had been attempting to sell, as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Police in Cottonwood, Idaho, were amused when they arrived to write up a burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief got his VCR, his bong, and his stash of marijuana. Luckily, however, the thief had missed his marijuana pipe. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug paraphernalia.
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
The Top 15 Signs You’re Not Graduating This Term
15> You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver. 14> You’re on a football scholarship at Oklahoma. 13> You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer course in “Remedial Tuition Payment.” 12> You don’t feel you’ve yet done sufficient field research on your thesis topic: “The Munchies: What Causes Them?” 11> You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over $40,000 on beer and pizza. 10> Final: “Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous concrete mix.” You: Calculated the vomit-producing capacity of mixing tequila and beer the night before the exam. 9> NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your frat dorm. 8> You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and you haven’t been to class since late November. 7> Six years of college and all you’ve learned are the lyrics to “Louie, Louie.” 6> Your cap and gown are made of paper and have “Campus Food Service” written on them. 5> You’re still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure. 4> Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your SPAM. 3> [removed due to vulgarity] 2> Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform. 1> You got all “A’s,” but your name is Hester Prynne.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
CAREFUL WHERE YOU PLACE THINGS
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellular telephone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
BEST EXCUSE NOT TO GET CHARGED WITH SPEEDING
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway – 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures “what the heck,” and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!”
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
Two old guys fishing in a boat on Lake Pontchartrain. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One old codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out. Genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, “You get one wish between the two of you – make it a good one.” The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. “Let me handle this – I know just what to ask for!”
He looks at the genie and says, “We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!” The genie nods and says, “You got it, boys!” And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!
The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, “You stupid goof! Why the heck did you ask for that?”
“Whadaya talking about?” the other fisherman answers. “I thought you’d like a lake-full of beer. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is … now we gotta pee in the boat!!!!”