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January 1, 0001


HumourList Package #20 - Misc. Jokes, Trivia, True News

Hi folks. Sorry for this Package being so general in nature - I’ve been really busy for the last two weeks trying to get life in order, and (still) trying to recover from a hard disk crash which caused me to lose a large portion of my joke collection.

I was planning on doing a “Summer’s Here” Package, but since I’ve lost all my good material, the next few Packages will just be full of misc jokes until I can sort out my now-growing humour inbox.

This Package contains a few jokes, and a bunch of true stories that are quite humourous.

Please check out the web site - there are a few changes there and more on the way: http://www.storm.ca/~ian/humour/

As of 7:26 AM, June 24, we are 261 subscribers and growing!!


Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.


GREAT MOMENTS IN ENGINEERING

In an issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from “Feathers,” the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing. They borrowed FAA’s chicken launcher,loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine’s cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

 "Use a thawed chicken."

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WE LET THESE PEOPLE DRIVE?!

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

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TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOU NEED FAMILY COUNSELING

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the “wuss” category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

  1. ____ Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk.”

  2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

  3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

  4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

  5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

  6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

  7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

  8. ____ “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

  9. ____ You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

 30 - A perfect score.  Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

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INTERESTING TRIVIA TIDBITS FOR JUNE

June 1, 1926: Marilyn Monroe was born as Norma Jean Mortenson in Los Angeles (d: 1962) June 1, 1970: Detroit Tigers player Al Kaline collided with another player and swallowed his tongue. June 2. 1928: Velveeta Cheese was invented by Kraft. June 2, 1989: In the infamous Tiananmen Square incident in Beijing, 10,000 Chinese soldiers were stopped by 100,000 citizens protecting students demonstrating for democracy. June 3, 1989: Chinese troops began their sweep of Tiananmen Square to crush student pro-democracy demonstrators, killing hundreds of students; June 4, 1990: Dr. Jack Kevorkian assisted an Oregon woman to commit suicide, beginning a national debate over the right to die. June 6, 1850: Levi Strauss made his first blue jeans. June 8, 1896: The first car was stolen. June 8, 1936: The first parking meters were invented. June 13, 1920: The Post Office said children could not be sent by parcel post.

[editor’s note: apparently first class and bulk rate were still acceptable]

June 15, 1752: Ben Franklin’s performed his kite-flying experiment, demonstrating lightning and electricity were related. June 15, 1916: The Boys Scouts of America was formed. June 16, 1567: Mary, Queen of Scots, was imprisoned in Scotland. June 16, 1903: Ford Motor Co. was incorporated. June 16, 1971, Tupac Shakur, rap star, was born in Brooklyn (d: 1996). June 17, 1885: The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City from France June 17, 1994: O.J. Simpson was charged with murdering his ex-wife Nicole and her friend, Ronald Goldman. June 19, 1941: Cheerios Cereal invented an O-shaped cereal June 22, 1847: The doughnut was first made. [for all the police officers out there…]

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THAT’LL TEACH HIM…

“TEL AVIV (June 22) - A man known to police who thought he had gotten away with a bagful of valuables on a Tel Aviv beach Friday was terrified to discover he had stolen a three-kilo bomb, set to go off with a timer.

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HOW NOT TO DIE: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

Attila the Hun: One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila’s army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD – from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire – by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe: An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn’t get to the bathroom in time … In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells: Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he’d gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He’d anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare’s plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of “Organic Farming and Gardening” magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the “Dick Cavett Show” While discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged “I’m going to live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

Aeschylus: A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus’ head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling “Complete Book of Running,” which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack….while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He’d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

And finally there’s Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

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