January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #19 - Even MORE Relationship Jokes
Well folks, I was going to do an ‘old age’ Package in light of Scott’s birthday (see Special Edition Package #5), but figured, hey, the guy hardly ever calls me NOW… why end it completely?
For the six or seven people that didn’t get this morning’s Email, you missed the message sent to Scott (a total of three times, oops!) by myself, to wish him a Hippo Birdie… uh, Happy Birthday. Check out Special Edition Package #5 for more details.
Almost as unforgiving as birthdays, are of course, relationships, of which I am still without. I was raised believing that ‘the way a man treats his mother is the way he will treat his wife.” Uh-oh… I never call, I never write, when I do see her I try to borrow money, and she’s always giving me a hard time about how dirty my townhouse is… Maybe THAT’S why I’m still single…
Anyhow, on to business. For the 25th HumourList Package, due out the week of July 20th, I’d like to put together a ‘Submissions Only’ Package - that is, filled with humour submitted by you folks. Feel free to forward your favourite jokes to me, and let’s see how big of a Package we can make.
Funny Quote of the Week (alt.humor) My wife’s cooking is so bad, if I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
My mother-in-law came by today. I knew it was her, when she knocked on the front door all the mice threw themselves on the traps… (just kidding… if I had a mother-in-law at this age, I’d have to throw MYSELF in a trap [or my mom would])
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
THE TOP 14 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you… - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” - Sampson (Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
- A wife?…NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
THE TOP 12 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND
- Have dad get the guy you’re interested in apparently drunk, then on the night of the wedding, palm yourself off as his bride. - Leah (Genesis 21)
- Wash up, put on the best clothes you’ve got, then go to sleep at the man’s feet that you’re aiming for. - Ruth (Ruth 3)
- Luck out; find only man on earth and what’s more, you’re both naked. - Eve (Genesis 2:21-25)
- Climb up on the roof of your house in the nude and wash up in plain view of the guy’s house that you’re interested in. - Bathsheba (II Samuel 12)
- Have dad give you to a military hero that you have the hots for.
- Michal (I Samuel 19)
- Be nice to a traveling outlaw so that, when your current husband kicks the bucket, the outlaw will come back for you. - Abigail (I Samuel 25)
- Make sure your husband knows you. - Cain’s Wife (Genesis 4:7)
- One possibility is for your slave master to give you away to some guy. - Old Testament Law (Exodus 21:4)
- Get spotted in a beauty pageant and win big. - Esther (Esther 2)
- Oops! This is one good way NOT to!!! - Jael (Judges 4:21)
- Have the king of Egypt give you away to an important politician.
- Asenath (Genesis 41:45)
- Draw water for your father’s flocks. Then befriend any Egyptian guys who are nearby. - Zipporah (Exodus 2)
So one day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what’s in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he’s feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, etc. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. “Fair enough,” says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. “Honey,” he says, “we’ve been married for 25 years and I think it’s time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What is in that trunk?” The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food, etc. “I don’t care,” he tells her. “After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this trunk!” So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.
“Hey!” shouts the surprised husband. “What’s going on here? Where did all of this come from?” “Well, sweetie,” replies the wife, “you said we could talk, so I’ll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn’t always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk.” The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, “All right, I admit I’m not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?”
“Well,” she replies, “whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.”
1st woman: “How was your date last night?” 2nd woman: “I had to slap him six times.” 1st: “Goodness. Was he that fresh?” 2nd: “No, I thought he was dead…”
While on vacation at a beautiful island get-a-way, a man discovers a lamp while walking on the beach. As these stories always go, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie grants him three wishes but adds one stipulation; “whatever you wish for your wife will get double.” This really upsets the man who is in the middle of a nasty divorce. He decides on his three wishes and tells the genie, “First, I want to have 100 million dollars.” “Done.” says the genie. And, as promised, his wife receives 200 million dollars.
“For my second wish, I want a huge mansion.” Again it was done and his wife received a house twice as large.
“So,” said the man, “let me get this straight. I have a 100 million dollars and my wife has 200 million. I have a huge mansion and my wife has one twice that size.” “Correct” says the genie. “What do you want for your third wish?”
The man ponders momentarily and replies, “I want you to scare me half to death.”
So one day, a man is driving with his wife, and runs a yellow light. A cop pulls him over and says “I’m going to give you a ticket for running the light.” The man protests, saying, “The light was still green - it had JUST turned yellow as I crossed the stop line.” His wife says loudly, “That’s not true! The light was almost red and you stomped on it to make it through.” The man hisses at his wife, “Shut up, you moron!”
The cop says, “Well, you were also going 65 in a 40 mph zone”. The man replies that he was only going 40 mph, but his wife adds, “That’s not true, you were doing at least 70!“, so the man says to her “Shut up, you moron!”.
The cop also notices that the man is not wearing a seat belt, and says that he will get a ticket for that also. The man tells the cop that he unbuckled his seat belt to get out his wallet, after being stopped. His wife butts in “You liar, you never wear a seat belt”, and the man says “Shut up, you moron!”.
Now the cop goes to the other side of the car and asks the woman if her husband always talk to her like that.
The woman answers, “Oh no, only when he’s drunk”.
Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll Involved in Beating, Story at 11
(true story) Somerset, Mass.
A domestic argument left a man dazed last week after his estranged wife used a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll to club him on the head and knock him down, police said.
Heidi J. Souza, 34, of 1473 County Street, hit Thomas K. Souza, 34, of 206 Lepes Rd., so hard with the red furry doll that when a police officer arrived, a stunned Thomas Souza was bleeding from his left cheek.
Souza, who is separated from her husband, was charged with violating a restraining order and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.
“Your Honour, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry.”
“Mr. Smith,” replied the judge, “I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 60 mph.”
Real-Life Personal Ads
Women Seeking Men
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5’10”, brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
Don’t call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5’10”; over 40 years old, 6’8”, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
Men Seeking Women
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks. [Editor’s Note: I thought Al Bundy was a fictional character?]
Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate’s hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.
Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.
Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6’0”, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.