January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #16 - Work, Work, Work
Folks, please forgive the huge delays in the sending of these packages. I decided enough was enough, and that after all your Email letters of concern started to trickle in that maybe it was time to stay up late and to sacrifice a little sleep to put together another Package.
(note: the tags were a lame attempt at some HTML humour… if you got it, congrats - you’re a computer geek
Anyhow, as a brief explanation, my work load has increased almost exponentially in the last two weeks, and is only going to get worse. How will you know when it’s all over? You’ll start seeing regular HumourList Packages again. Until the end of June, please be patient with me, and understand I’m doing what I can.
Speaking of work (I was, really), this Package is dedicated to work. Not MY workplace, although there are a few subscribers from my workplace, but ‘the workplace’ in general. For anyone on this list too young to work, you’re probably very lucky. For those of us that do work - try and see how many of these you can relate to.
Publicly, I’d like to thank the following people: Trudy, Rob, Kelly, Scott, Ruthann, Laura, Tim, Heidi, Ray, Dwayne and Diana for the ‘semi-surprise’ birthday party they there for me tonight at my place. For those that didn’t know, my birthday came and went this past Monday, and, sarcastically, I jokingly made comments about nobody doing anything special. Well, that’ll teach me not to do that again… :-) Thanks to the crew for making me feel special. I should have some photos of the party on my personal web page within a few weeks.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
The Worst Workplace Prank
If you have access to your workplace’s coffee supply, over the course of a few weeks, gradually switch all coffee to decaffeinated. Once everyone is off their caffeine addiction, switch the coffee to espresso.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. “How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
I just want one one-armed manager so I never have to hear “On the other hand”, again.
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: “At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?”
Farmer: “That’s right.”
Attorney: “Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?”
Farmer: “When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.”
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost only a single game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”
At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.
[Editor: for any non-Canadian’s on the list, our current political gov’t has seen fit to cut a lot of funding to our hospitals, and while this is a total spoof, it wouldn’t surprise me to see this implemented some day… ]
MEMO To: All Hospital Staff
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the “from” line above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life “How to…” series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on “Basic Wiring”, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO’s formulary.
“A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical salesman that he could not toss his wallet through the opening in the MRI magnet – the one the patients’ head goes through – without having the wallet touch the sides.
The In-duh-vidual’s wallet included all of his credit cards, which were instantly demagnetized in the process.
Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it well worth the price.”
Pepsi Corp in Cleveland OH. has installed security cameras in the men’s restroom and locker room. I wonder if they are afraid their employees are using Coke.
[Editor’s Note: Let’s hope so - Coke RULES!! Pepsi SUCKS!!]
Useless Trivia - May 1 to may 15
May 1, 1920 The longest baseball game by innings took place when the Boston Braves and the Brooklyn Dodgers played 26 innings with the same pitchers
May 1, 1939 “Batman” made its debut as a comic strip hero
May 1, 1941 General Mills introduced Cheerios
May 1, 1952 The child’s toy, Mr. Potato Head, was introduced
May 7, 1660 Isaack B. Fubine patented macaroni
May 7, 1983 August Hoffman set a record doing 29,051 consecutive sit-ups
May 8, 1886 Dr. John Styth Pemberton unveiled Coca Cola
May 10, 1908 The first Mother’s Day was observed
May 11, 1949 The first Polaroid camera was sold for $89.95
May 12, 1792 A toilet that flushed itself at regular intervals was patented
May 12, 1932 The cartoon character Goofy first appeared in “Mickey’s Revue” by Walt Disney
May 12, 1974 (Mother’s Day) I was born… (other birthdays on 12th: Emilio Estevez (35), Stephen Baldwin (31), George Carlin (60), Katherine Hepburn (90), Steve Winwood (49), Yogi Berra (72))
May 14, 1878 Vaseline was first sold, becoming the registered trademark for petroleum jelly
May 15, 1928 Mickey Mouse made his first appearance