January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #15 - Kids and Animals
Well, I decided after compiling this Package, that there is no way on Earth that I’m not going to have kids. Stop cheering Keith, I’m trying to have a serious moment here…
Actually, I’m just joking. Despite these humourous stories (some of these are true), I don’t think life could get any funnier than to have a couple of kids around. Think about it though - having younger versions of yourself around? Anyone that has once said, “Oh, to be young again…” must love having kids. Can’t wait myself, personally.
Note to my parents: No, I’m not going to do anything stupid.
Not for a few years, anyway… Although I’m sure my parents could definately offer a few stories of my stupidity, right Mom & Dad?
For anyone concerned about last week’s problem with Jason from Ohio, I have the following Email segments to clear a few things up:
Jason: “Gave up poking fun at Laura in exchange for me, eh?” Me: “No, just taking a break on poor Laura.” Jason: “Lucky her.” Me: “Yeah… started feeling sorry for her. I’ve been introducing her to friends as ‘This is Laura… you know - from HumourList…’ You should see their reactions.”
After today though, I may have a new person to pick on. I can’t give too much detail or she’ll hurt me, but she knows who she is. And I’m quite sure she’ll think twice before accusing me of taking her car keys.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
4 year old Josh and his family were visiting grandparents for a meal, and Grandpa asked Josh if he wanted to say the blessing. So Josh, and everyone else bowed their heads, and Josh started mumbling the blessing at such a low volume that Grandpa couldn’t make out what he was saying.
When grace was over (with a louder AMEN), Grandpa said, “Josh, it was very nice of you to say the blessing for us, but I couldn’t hear what you said.”
Josh replied, “I wasn’t talking to YOU!”.
This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a humour magazine for nurses:
“A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough,” a nurse writes. “She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, ‘Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.’
The child looked at me and calmly stated, ‘I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.’ “
It’s the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up your hand.”
After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked: “How will that help?”
One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, “Alright! The next person who talks is going to be severely castigated.”
The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in the front row asked the teacher, “Mr. T–, how are you going to do that to a girl?”
Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned from My Kids
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with Barbie’s Sparkler roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4-years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing a superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
- Duplos will not.
- Play-Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like ‘How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?’ No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let’s keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
THE PARENTING TEST Section One — Mathematics For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question) 1. “I don’t care what the other kids get to do.” 2. “… and this time I really mean it.” 3. “Somebody’s going to get hurt doing that.” 4. “See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.” 5. “Now we’re REALLY going to be late.” 6. “One … I’m counting … two … I’m counting … “ 7. “Because I’m the Mommy/Daddy.” 8. “Let’s not discuss that at the dinner table.” 9. “Why is your brother/sister crying?” 10. “Okay … but only five more minutes.”
Section Two – Fill in the Blank Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question) 1. Tickle Me ____________. 2. 101 _________________. 3. The Berenstein _________. 4. Clifford, the Big _________ Dog. 5. _______________ Nuggets. 6. _______________ Meals. 7. Please won’t you be my _____________?
Section Three – Matching Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question). 1. Amoxicillin 2. Legos 3. Pull-Ups 4. Push-Ups 5. Tubes A. Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting. B. Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is placed in ears when Letter “C” fails. C. A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler’s diet. D. A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value. E. A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary for a few more weeks.
Section Four – Problem Solving Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question) 1. It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys? 2. She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who’s right? 3. You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this? 4. At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Solomon manoeuvres, how will this be done?
Section Five – Essay Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points) Which of the ‘Big V’s’ has made a bigger contribution to parenting in the 90’s? 1. Vacuum cleaners 2. Velcro 3. VCR?”
Seems a couple got a brand new, top of the line, Jeep Cherokee for Christmas and drove it to visit relatives in Michigan. The guys decided to do that male bonding ritual of duck hunting. So they load up the Cherokee with decoys, food, beer, guns, warm clothes, etc. and head off for the lake. Now it’s a little known fact that when duck hunting in cold climates like that, it’s common to drive the truck out onto the ice.
It’s also a little known fact that, to break a hole in the ice for the decoys, a stick of dynamite is commonly used. (We are talking Michigan) Now this particular stick of dynamite had a short fuse, estimated at 20 seconds or so. Normally you put the dynamite on the ice, light the fuse, and run away. But with only 20 seconds they didn’t want to do that, they might slip while running. So the guy lights the fuse and throws the stick of dynamite out onto the ice.
Next thing you know, their well-trained Labrador Retriever dashes out onto the ice and, just as he’s done many times before, picks up the stick (of lit dynamite) in his mouth and starts running back to the group of guys. The guys start yelling at the dog but, as he’s played fetch so many times before, he just keeps bringing the stick back to his master. One of the guys thinks fast and loads his shotgun, and shoots the dog. As it’s loaded with bird shot the dog isn’t hurt much, but is confused. The guy shoots the dog again. The dog gets scared and runs, stick in his mouth … under the Cherokee.
The Cherokee is now at the bottom of the lake. The insurance company won’t pay up because it was destroyed due to an illegal use of explosives.
The first payment of $475 was due December 15. Only 59 more to go… (sad about the dog though)
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”