January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #12 - Misc. Lists, Trivia
This Package, in case you’re wondering, is a little shorter than normal, on
purpose. It’s a test run to see if people REALLY want shorter packages. I was
hoping that last week’s comment about filling out the general survey might have
sparked some interest in giving me some extra feedback, but unfortunately, that
wasn’t the case…
The majority of this Package is going to be on Top 10 lists (even though
there’s almost always more than ten items in the list), and other humourous
lists, and my favorite: More Useless Trivia. By the way, thank you to all
eight people (I won’t name names, but yes - Laura was in there
I didn’t receive any more Email from anyone saying they were having problems reading the last Package, so I’m going to ‘assume’ that everything was okay. If I’m wrong, please let me know as soon as possible.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
Humourous Saying for the week: There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
Famous Quote for the week: “Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together….” - Carl Zwanzig
This Past Week in History: March 16, 1871 The first fertilizer law was enacted. (wonder if it had anything to do with diesel fuel being mixed with it?) March 17, 1845 The rubber band was patented by Stephen Perry of London. March 18, 1892 Lord Stanley proposed the silver challenge cup for hockey, later renamed the Stanley Cup. March 18, 1961 The Poppin’ Fresh Pillsbury Dough Boy was introduced. March 20, 1995 Twelve people were killed and nearly 5,000 others were sickened when packages containing the poisonous nerve gas ‘sarin’ was released on five Tokyo subway trains. March 21, 1943 An assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler failed.
The same people that send me this useless trivial drivel also send me birthday announcements, such as:
March 22: William Shatner, 66, actor … which just goes to show - you can’t believe EVERYTHING you read.
More Stupid Laws
Nicholas County, WV: No Clergy shall tell a joke from the pulpit.
Gloversville, NY Woman wrestlers are prohibited within city limits.
Compton, CA Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited.
Lake Charles, LA It’s illegal to let a rain puddle remain in your front yard more than 12 hours.
Walden, NY You cannot give someone a drink of water without a permit.
Vermont It’s illegal to whistle underwater.
Fort Madison, IA Fire department personnel are required to practice 15 minutes before attending a fire.
California: A housewife may go to prison if she doesn’t cook her dusting cloth after use.
Elko, NV No one shall walk upon the street without wearing a mask.
Colorado Serving of food in a room used for any other purpose is prohibited.
New York City, NY No decks of cards allowed in any apartment located within a mile’s radius of an armory.
Wyoming Women are required to stand 5 feet away from bars when drinking in public.
South Carolina Hip pockets are illegal. (They provide a convenient place for pint bottles)
Virginia Horses of more than one year old are prohibited in a place of worship.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
Top 10: 27 Things that Computers Can Do in Movies
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space bar when typing long sentences.
- Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS THE SECRET FILES” on any nearby keyboard.
- You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS”. (Fortress)
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
- All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
- People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
- You may bypass “PERMISSION DENIED” message by using the “OVERRIDE” function. (Demolition Man)
- Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (Clear and Present Danger)
- If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
- Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (Independence Day)
- Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (Aliens)
- Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the “SELF-DESTRUCT” button.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
- Laptops always have amazing real-time videophone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (Alien or 2001: A Space Odessey)
- Searches on the Internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (Mission Impossible)
Top 10: 16 Reasons for allowing drinking at work
- It’s an incentive to show up.
- It reduces stress.
- It leads to more honest communications.
- It reduces complaints about low pay.
- It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
- Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
- It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
- It encourages carpooling.
- Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
- It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
- It makes fellow employees look better.
- It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
- Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
- Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
- Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
- No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Top 10: 25 Comparisons of High School vs. College
- In high school, you do homework. In college you study.
- No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
- In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college on both.
- In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
- In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
- In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
- In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
- Only nerds Emailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)
- In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
- In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
- In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
- In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade even than your high school final exams did.
- In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
- In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
- In college, weekends start on Thursday.
- In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
- Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10 it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
- In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
- In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
- In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
- College men are cuter than high school boys.
- College women are legal.
- In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
- In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
- In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
Top 10: 25 Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
- “Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
- “Somebody call the janitor - we’re going to need a mop.”
- “Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!’
- “Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
- “Hand me that … uh … that uh … thingie…”
- “Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
- “Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?”
- “Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”
- “Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.”
- “What’s this doing here?”
- “I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.”
- “That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!”
- “I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.”
- “Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.”
- “Sterile, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?”
- “Anyone see where I left that scalpel?”
- “Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.”
- “This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?”
- “Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?”
- “Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.”
- “What do you mean you want a divorce?!”
- “She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!”
- “FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!”
- “Psst! C’mon and watch. Pooh’s going to goose the surgeon!”
- “And next week, we’ll be learning how to stitch up a patient…”
Murphy’s 20 Laws of Combat
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Incoming fire has the right of way.
- Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
- There is always a way.
- The easy way is always mined.
- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
- Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you’re ready for them. b. When you’re not ready for them.
- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
- If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
- A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
- When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
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