January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #10 - Why the Gene Pool Needs Chlorine
In the News today: Apparently, the inventor of Crest toothpaste passed away a little while ago. 4 out of 5 dentists came to the funeral…
Update: In ‘Package Seven’, I had the Misc. Trivia Tidbits, including: “The only thing the first bomb dropped in World War Two killed was the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.”
I found out the other day (March 3, actually) that it happened March 3, 1944 - in case you REALLY wanted to know.
Other cool things that happened in the past week in history: March 5, 1950: Silly Putty was produced March 7, 1933: The world’s most popular board game, Monopoly, was produced
Wow, who’d have thought we’d make it to package number 10? C’mon, raise your hands. No, really, raise them up high so I can see them. There we go, one hand, that looks like… oh, it’s MY hand reflecting in the mirror back there.
Speaking of idiots…
Someone on the Internet (or maybe some international business venture) came up with the ‘Darwin Awards’, which are reserved for classic acts of stupidity, many of which you will hear about in this package. Note: some of these stories are TRUE, and will be marked as such in the ‘source’ field.
Of course, along with the Darwin Awards, there are all of those funny, humour-filled newspaper headlines that make you think. Kind of like the headline I mentioned a few Packages ago about “1908 study Shows 25% of Students Died” - what happened to the other 75%? Other humour in this Package are (in)famous quotes by ex-Vice-President Dan Quayle, things heard in courtrooms, and actual newspaper headlines (not the same old list everyone has seen before).
As an example of common stupidity: who in the world makes up these signs? (From Humor Digest, February 17-18, 1997) Seen on a pylon:
BEWARE! TO TOUCH THESE WIRES IS INSTANT DEATH Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted
And speaking of idiots (I was): On March 5, 1558, Francisco Fernandes introduced smoking tobacco in Europe.
And here’s a story about a guy who thinks everyone ELSE is an idiot if we believe this: (Mercury NEWSpot, March 5, 1997)
*** Bill Gates says he does not think much about money
Bill Gates, one of the world’s richest men, said Tuesday he does not think much
about money and would give his riches away, but not yet. “I am not somebody
who takes a lot of time spending money and thinking about money…,” said
Gates, who owns 25 percent of Microsoft Corp., the world’s biggest software
company. Asked if it was true he planned to give his riches away, Gates said,
“That’s true.” [Editor’s Comment: I’m hoping the line-up in front of his
mansion isn’t too long…
Best quote I’ve heard in a little while: Did you hear OJ’s latest explanation? His clone did it.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
You may recall last year’s Darwin Award winner: Last year’s Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a Coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. So why is this so unique? Apparently, according to police and morgue reports, is that the gentleman in question had about $3.00 in change and about $25.00 in bills in his pocket.
Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously (after death). This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Check out http://www.dnaco.net/~jimpen/darwin/darwin.html
for extra information.
This Year’s Candidates: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D’Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. “It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony,” Honer said. “It’s one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.”
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association. [Editor’s note: he was one of the BRIGHTEST?!]
Actual Newspaper Headlines
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Include your Children When Baking Cookies
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
Copyright Notice: Copyright 1997 by Universal Press Syndicate.
In December, Frederick Lundy was to report for a court hearing in Akron, Ohio, in which he had been told: “Plead not guilty to a parole violation and be released until trial, or plead guilty and go to jail immediately.” Lundy pleaded guilty and was abruptly led away. That decision could be explained, perhaps, by Lundy’s desire to get on with his punishment. What was not explained was why he had come into the courtroom under the circumstances with 41 rocks of crack cocaine in his pocket, which were discovered in a routine, pre-incarceration search.
*** Car too small to carry suspected burglars’ loot Two suspected burglars were nabbed when police spotted a safe sticking out of the back of their loaded getaway car, authorities said Tuesday. Richard and Raymond Lingle of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, were stopped by police Saturday night and were later charged in connection with the burglary of a local business earlier that evening. The haul included the safe, darts, pool cues and other game equipment – but it didn’t all fit into the trunk of the Lingles’ Honda Prelude.
Quotes from Dan Quayle
Note: Some historians say Dan Quayle really wasn’t that bad. Well, here is a list of quotes that I have gathered from several of his speeches… Now, you decide.
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen that means we can breathe.”
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”
“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against… get this… fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for … arson.
Stupid Laws in the USA
Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut: You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida: Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. SARASOTA: It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana: Bathing is prohibited during the winter. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky: By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.” It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.”
Massachusetts: Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma: Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania: A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas: A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Vermont: Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week – on Saturday night.
Washington: All lollipops are banned. A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia: No children may attend school with their breath smelling of “wild onions.”
These courtroom conversations involve lawyers questions taken from official (US) court records
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.” Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? A: Four times.
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid
Quotes by David Letterman: “This is Lincoln’s Birthday (Feb 12), and here’s a little history about Abraham Lincoln. He was the 16th President of the United States and he was assassinated by a deranged actor. O.J. Simpson was golfing at the time – not a factor! Abe was assassinated by an actor of minor talent who became really, really famous as a murderer. Good thing that could never happen today.
“O.J. is always thinking, though. Right after they announced the figure, $25 million in damages, O.J. went out on his way home, went to McDonald’s and spilled hot coffee on his lap…”
“Fred Goldman now, yesterday, he says to O.J., he says, ‘I will drop my $21 million claim if you sign this confession.’ O.J. refused. I think he’s holding out for a speedboat… O.J. was so upset by this offer, he blew a two-foot putt.”
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