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January 1, 0001

HumourList Package #9 - Monkeys, Lots of Music Humour

Here we are folks - number nine. As I was collecting all of the humour for this package, I realized I had collected a lot of music-related jokes, parodies, etc., so I figured I’d mail out a music package. “But Ian, the title is ‘Monkeys, Lots of Music Humour’ - what do monkeys have to do with music? Good question. John Boyer, one of the original subscribers had sent me a good ‘story’ about monkeys that I’ve been promising to ‘publish’ since HumourList package 2 or 3, and figured it was time. Speaking of monkeys, I was Emailing an old co-worker, and explaining to Sean what my new job entails, and this was the basic Email conversation (simplified for reading):

Ian: Gotta run - I have about 11,000 lines of code to review, and document, have to rewrite just under a third of it, and add another third on top of it - by the end of March… fun fun fun.

Sean: That’s the spirit. You know what they say; put a hundred monkeys in a room in front of a hundred editors…

Ian: :-) I thought it was something like put an infinite amount of monkeys in an infinitely large room, each monkey with a typewriter, and they could reproduce the world’s knowledge or something? Too late to be philosophical.

Sean: I heard a hundred given an infinite amount of time. Same effect but I thing your boss may get a little upset if the project drags on that long.

My question is this: Is Sean implying I’m a monkey? And to think I invited Sean and his wife Michelle out for dinner some time…

Actually, the original saying is that one hundred monkeys in a room, each with a typewriter, given an infinate amount of time, could reproduce the complete literary works of Shakespeare.

Those same monkeys, given musical keyboards and about half an hour, could probably reproduce the complete musical works of Cory Hart…

Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that was odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and bought 200. Hey, I like monkeys.

I took my all two hundred of my monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. They punched my genitals… I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, run, and hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason, they all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Darned cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work; it got stuck. Now I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber – I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.


Q: What’s the difference between bagpipes and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop bagpipes into little pieces.


How to write a Rap/House/Disco song

LYRICS: Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order to make one line. Repeat randomly four times. Repeat process again twice to make chorus. Repeat the last line 17 times. Don’t worry if they don’t make sense.

Column1 Column 2 Column 3 Move it Triple Beat The City Streets Get Up Body Heat You’ll be Humpin’ Pump It Up Feel the Beat Before the Night is Over Get Down Get Around Shake your Meat Shake it The Joint Is Jumpin’ Bustin’ Loose Pump the Jam Feet are Stompin’ Disco Heat

BACKBEAT: Program a drum machine in never-ending 44 time. Add occasional snare.

BODY: Add monotonous bass in one key. Overlay with punchy sounding synth. Get previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range of the vocal chords.

PRODUCTION: Put above ingredients together on master tape. Press discs. Give the label a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like “Mixmastermeatbeaters”. Sell 5 million copies to unsuspecting public. Win MTV Award.


How to write a Country & Western song Instructions: Fill in the blanks using the appropriate column of choices. “I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ she wore; (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald’s that little hat outside Fresno ridin’ shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin’ gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin’ uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with her father the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts

She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5. sobbin’ at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin’ Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin’ out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin’ through the prairie with her cobra smellin’ kind of funny when she shot me crashin’ through the guardrail on her elbows chewin’ on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin’ in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin’ in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin’ up linguini in her muu-muu

and I knew _______; _______ I’d ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her play “Go Fish” that she would be an easy score I knew deep down stay with her she’d bought her dentures in a store She asked me if warp her mind that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink swear off booze I’d never rate her more than “4” The judge declared change my sex they’d hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said punch her out it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain live off her we really lost the last World War The painters knew have my rash I’d have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said stay a dwarf what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought hate her dog that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed pick my nose that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate

She said to me ____; But who’d have thought she’d _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn’t meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn’t lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she’d have a Swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother’s name was Hy make it she liked “Spy vs. Spy” black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn’t stand my tie grovel

___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You’d think at least that she’d have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on “The Gong Show” I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her “Workmate” I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that’s the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked


Best of the Worst Country Songs

These came from a source that asserted their authenticity. I’m sure that some of them are real. However, I have removed two that I know were not real (I know the comedy routine they came from). The rest may or may not be real.

  • Do You Love As Good As You Look?
  • Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
  • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
  • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
  • Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
  • How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
  • Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
  • I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
  • I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
  • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
  • I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
  • I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
  • I Wanna Whip Your Cow
  • I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
  • I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
  • I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
  • I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
  • If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
  • If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
  • If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
  • If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me
  • If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
  • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
  • Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
  • May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
  • My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
  • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
  • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
  • Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
  • Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
  • She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  • She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
  • She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
  • Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
  • They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
  • Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
  • When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
  • You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
  • You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
  • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
  • You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life
  • You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


Y.O.D.A (Parody of “Y.M.C.A.”, The Village People) (As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker.)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said, YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said, YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ‘cause I MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT

ch: You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He’s 900 years old! He’s so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is MINE OR I’LL HELP YOU NOT

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He’s 900 years old! He’s so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Don’t just stand in the rain! You’re all covered with mud! Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you WIMP OUT THEN YOU’RE A JERK

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You should stay here and train! You don’t have to save Han! If you do so, you’ll lose your hand! You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. (repeat and fade).


Demonic (Parody of “Ironic”, Alanis Morisette)

It’s a Microsoft product that claims to be great But like its predecessor it’s just second rate Like OS/2 it has a similar fate It’s a graphic in-ter-face about 12 years too late Yes, Windows is demonic … don’t you think?

ch: They want you to believe that it works like a Mac Although it was designed by someone high on crack If Windows 95 could simply fade into black The world would be sooooooo much better…

He bought an IBM clone ‘cause he like the low price It came with Win 95 to add a little bit o’ spice He hit the Return key (That was a roll of the dice!) As his system crashed down, he said, “Well, this isn’t nice!” Yes, Windows is demonic … don’t you think?

ch: They want you to believe that it works like a Mac Although it was designed by someone high on crack If Windows 95 could simply fade into black The world would be sooooooo much better…

It’s a simple subterfuge this Win 95 Its hype is so thick you can cut it with a knife If you’d bought a Mac the first time, you wouldn’t have this strife spoken: If you want the machine of your dreams, you’d better get a clue, not a life Yes, Windows is demonic … don’t you think? A little too demonic and I really do think

ch: They want you to believe that it works like a Mac Although it was designed by someone high on crack If Windows 95 could simply fade into black The world would be sooooooo much better… [Shut Down] [Power Off] Lyrics by Robert Hanson


Object-Oriented Bohemian Rhapsody (Parody of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, Queen)

warning: computer theme, may be hard to understand - only computer geeks will understand the whole thing

Is this the real world? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a LAN-slide No ESC to reality. Open(2) your files, Look after your while()s in C; It’s just a cheap toy, but dearer than Symphony™ With it’s wheezy cough, noisy beep Address clash, little sleep Anything but Windows™, Nothing beats class lib’ries to me, To me. Mama, Just killed a RAM Got some static on its pins, Now I don’t see the dust bin, Mama, ‘Write’ had just been run, But now I’ve got to throw it all away Mama, ooooooh, Didn’t mean to make it fry If I’ve no stack to overflow tomorrow, Carry one, carry one, ‘Cause there’s nothing like class lib’ries. Too late, My time(2) has come Send lightning down my line Stop my make(1) before it’s time Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go, Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth. Mama, ooooooh, (Anything but Windows™) I don’t want to sigh I sometimes wish I’d never known Bourne at all. I see a little silhouetto of a man(1), Scaramouche, Scaramouche, Did you run the test script yet? Thunderbolt and lightning, Blowing up my modem, me. Gone away now, Gone away now, Gone away now, Windows™ froze. Its worse than crap (oh oh oh oh) It’s just a cheap toy, ev’rybody has three It’s just a cheap toy from a cheap company Spare us our lives from this monstrosity! Wheezy cough, noisy beep, will you let us sleep? Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!) Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!) Drink Miller! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!) Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!) Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!) GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU! Oh Mama mia, mama mia, Mama mia, let us sleep! Be-el-ze-Gates has a widget put beside my tree, My tree, My tree! So you think you can force me to use ‘95? So you think you can love me and leave me no drives? Oh, baby, Can’t do this to me baby, Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here. Nothing beats class lib’ries, Anything in C, Nothing beats class lib’ries, Nothing beats class lib’ries to me. Anything but Windows™.

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