January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #8 - Religious Humour, Comparisons, Misc Jokes
As some of you will have noticed (the ones that checked out the web pages), you’ll see that the HumourList Home pages have finally started their face-lift. More to come, keep watching.
Hopefully by next Saturday or Sunday I will have developed a ‘rating’ system for my Packages for you to tell me which jokes you like, which ones you didn’t like, and why. This will do three things:
- it gives you a chance to vent frustration back to me
- give me an idea what kinds of jokes to include in my Packages
- give me an idea what kinds of jokes should NOT be included in my packages
This package is kind of a “touch and go” test - there are a few jokes in here that may be offensive, but I couldn’t help but include them - especially the last three jokes about OJ Simpson.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
For a special “family day”, I invited my parents to join me at my church. Unlike theirs, mine uses a overhead projector for the words to new hymns and choruses to appear on a screen for the whole congregation to see.
All through the singing, and even after, I could see my dad beaming. When I asked him how he liked the service, he answered, “It was wonderful, but my favorite part was the karaoke!”
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest… I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars - there’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No… I think I’ll wait for the police.”
Q. What’s the difference between the waltz and pea soup? A. You can learn to waltz.
Q: What’s the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots? A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
Dare to Compare: Drug Dealers and Software Engineers
Drug Dealer: Refer to their clients as “users”. Soft. Eng.: Refer to their clients as “users”.
Drug Dealer: “The first one’s free!” Soft. Eng.: “Download a free trial version…”
Drug Dealer: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). Soft. Eng.: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Drug Dealer: Strange Jargon: “Stick”, “Rock”, “Dime Bag”, “E”… Soft. Eng.: Strange Jargon: “SCSI”, “RTFM”, “JAVA”, “ISDN”…
Drug Dealer: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Soft. Eng.: Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Drug Dealer: Job is assisted by the industry which produces newer, more potent mixes. Soft. Eng.: Job is assisted by the industry which produces newer, faster computers.
Drug Dealer: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. Soft. Eng.: Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
Drug Dealer: Their product causes unhealthy addictions. Soft. Eng.: DOOM, Quake, Duke Nukem, Diablo, SimCity…
Drug Dealer: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. Soft. Eng.: Do your job well and you’ll have time left over to surf the ‘net.
Drug Dealer: Customers in trouble are given NO ASSISTANCE. Soft. Eng.: Customers in trouble are told to call TECH SUPPORT.
Drug Dealer: No Refunds! No Returns! Soft. Eng.: No Refunds! No Returns!
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he’ll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
- Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
- If he goes to see Independence Day, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
- If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
- He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
- He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
- If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
- If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
- A quickie will net him $1855.
- He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be ‘reimbursed’ $33,390 for that round.
- He could take 1⁄100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.
- Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
- If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
- He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
- He’ll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
- While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
- Next year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this:
Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
Test for Manhood
Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations c. Take it apart
As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence b. Idealism c. Cherry bombs
When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed
What about hugging another male? a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!“) c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: 1. he is legally within the basepath, 2. both of you are wearing protective cups, and 3. you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures
Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to: a. remember the deceased and console his loved ones b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer
In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat b. A dog c. A dog that eats cats
You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen
Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her c. Tell her what?
One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. “Do they need to eat anything?” b. “They’re in school already?” c. “There are three of them?”
When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, of which she is frankly jealous, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there c. He refused to ask directions
What is the human race’s single greatest achievement? a. Democracy b. Religion c. Remote Control
How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer “c.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease AND cancer.
Top 10: 13 Signs You Picked the Wrong Airline for Your Vacation
- They didn’t sell tickets, they sold chances
- All the insurance machines in the terminal were sold out
- Before the flight, the passengers got together and elected a pilot
- If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back
- You could not board the plane unless you had the exact change
- Before we took off, the stewardess told us to fasten our Velcro
- The Captain asked all the passengers to chip in a little for gas
- When they pulled the steps away, the plane started rocking
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway
- You ask the Captain how often their planes crash. He says, “Just once”
- No movie. Didn’t need one. Your life kept flashing before your eyes
- You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?”. The father responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!“. While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!!!”
Why Engineers Don’t Write Cook Books
Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he’s stopped in traffic and thinks, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving.” He notices a police officer walking down the highway going from car to car. The cop reaches his car, and the man asks, “Excuse me officer, what’s the hold up?” “O.J. just found out the verdict; he’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn’t have $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.” The man said, “Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
“About three hundred gallons.”
OJ Simpson was ordered to pay $33.5 million in punitive damages.
You know, for that much, he could have hired Columbian hit men…
The jurors said they concluded that Simpson should not profit from the murder.
They’re absolutely right - that’s the job of the lawyers… the jurors… the witnesses…
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