January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #6 - One of Those Days…
[sorry for the long header… but it is funny]
Wow… 29 people get this thing now. Who’da thunk it? Everybody say hi to my cousin Darryl…
Ever have “one of those days” where everything goes wrong? I have, and it sucks, don’t it? Actually, I’ve having one of those weeks, anxiously awaiting the results of a meeting from a week ago. As events unfold, I will be sure to let everyone know…
Speaking of waiting, let’s all peer into Ian’s Email archives, shall we? Try
and figure this one out, and if you note any bizarre, hidden meaning, please
feel free to drop me a line so we can have a good laugh about it…
Here it is:
[ background: last night, I had some of my bestest buddies ever, over to my place to watch a movie. For those that came, thanks for coming out, to those that didn’t… well, we’ll getcha next time. I had ‘broadcasted’ a quick message to the local members of ‘HumourList’, and this was something I found rather amusing ]
From: Laura Coxworth To: Ian W. Douglas Subject: Re: HumourList group (locals): Movie Night tonight
ps- I have two cats, so if you have allergies, let me know, I can lock them in the bedroom for the evening.
I have allergies to certain people, will you lock ME in the bedroom?!?
From: Ian W. Douglas To: Laura Coxworth Subject: Re: HumourList group (locals): Movie Night tonight
I have allergies to certain people, will you lock ME in the bedroom?!? grin
I wasn’t going to say anything… I was going to let this comment slide…
However, you have now entered “The Humiliation Zone” (imagine someone humming the Twilight Zone theme here)
Prepare yourself for tomorrow’s HumourList Package… <evil, EVIL grin
From: Laura Coxworth To: Ian W. Douglas Subject: Re: HumourList group (locals): Movie Night tonight
Prepare yourself for tomorrow’s HumourList Package… <evil, EVIL grin
I await it with baited breath, I will leave you to figure out to which activity I am referring!!!!!!!
My question is this: baited breath? Really?
Gee, Laura, do you prefer red wigglers, baby frogs, or earthworms? of course,
being into cooking, I’m sure you could whip any of the three into some
Oh yeah, and if you’re waiting to get locked in MY bedroom… well, I’ll post a special edition of HumourList just for this topic, k?
Anyhow, I’m sure right now Laura is having ‘one of those days’, so in keeping with this topic, I bring you the following anecdotes / jokes. Please note: the first three are TRUE. I can probably find the references for you if you really want proof.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
“On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.”
“Ordinarily,” Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.”
“When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. he had no intention to murder her – herefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.”
“The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.”
There was an exquisite twist. “Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.”
“The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.”
The baby cries, all morning she just fusses and whines. I’m not sure why, but due to the regularity of this same behavior, I’m beginning to believe that it is because she needs to poop. And her poop hurts! Why does it hurt her? Maybe because of her herniated belly button where her intestines poke through, or maybe it’s because her mother doesn’t feed her enough fruits and vegetables any more.
Well, since I needed to get ready for the day, I tried to sneak to the shower. But due to her well-developed homing device, she found me. She can open the shower door. We battled back and forth for a bit, her wanting in, me wanting her out. She won the war, since she was already wet from head to toe. I removed her knewly donned clothes, shoes and all, and so she showered. A very happy shower it was for her too.
Afterwards, I wrapped her in a blanket and put her on the bed to dry. I then began to dry myself and put in my contacts. I thought nothing of my previous question that she may need to poop. She had left the room and had gone to the Family Room where Alexis was. I know that because Alexis screamed, “MOM! COME HERE! It’s the kind of panic scream you know you better go to. I grabbed a towel and I ran. Alexis screamed again. I didn’t hear Brittany, “She must be dead,” I thought.
She wasn’t dead. Although I died when I saw her. She was standing in the middle of the floor, both hands covered in sticky brown goo. She had a look of oddity on her face as she chewed and licked the corner of her mouth. Now I screamed. I could see the remains of her remains a few inches behind her. I was horrified to say the least.
I grabbed her and ran, my only thought being, “How am I going to get this out of her mouth?” I used wet wipes, enough to clog the toilet, to wipe her off all over. I tried to get them inside her mouth to clean there, but that was impossible. I then tried to wash it out with water and my fingers. That didn’t seem to be making much headway either, so I figured, “I’ve got to make her throw up.” I stuck my fingers down her throat until she gagged. She gagged and gagged but didn’t vomit. I eventually gave up. I then thought I should at least disinfect her mouth, so out came the Listerine. I showed her how to spit. Ya, right! I gave her just a little bit, then hurriedly tipped her upside down. She swallowed.
Okay, another shower, PUT A DIAPER ON, clean the carpet, plunge the toilet, dress the child. Now on to myself. Get dressed, blow dry my hair, look at the baby with black yuck in and all over her mouth. “What in the world?” She is chewing and making a gritty grainy sound. I touch it! It’s the dirt from the plant. I bet she has a whole handful in her mouth. So in goes the water and fingers to wash it out. Just one more finger to the throat for a possible regurgitation. No Luck. She must be related to her I’d-rather-die-than-throw-up father. This time I use a spray bottle with water to try to remove some of the grit. I repeatedly show her how to spit. She swallows. There are piles of dirt next to the plant, reminding me somewhat of the kitty litter incident at Grandma’s less than a week ago. It also occurs to me that I might have thought of the plants being a problem, since two days ago, I called poison control because she had eaten the plant!
So, as I’m leaving to run an errand, I change a poopy diaper. She falls asleep in the van. Hooray! We arrive home. She wakes up. She has pooped again. Try to put her back to sleep. No luck. I try to do my work. I take garbage out. The big garbage is out at the road. I go to the road. Now, being that garbage is a man’s job, I go above and beyond the call of duty and roll the can to the garage, where I find, ( you’ll never believe), a bird has pooped on the lid.
The baby is crying again. I give her a drink. Now, she throws up. I again take off her cloths, shoes included, and clean her up. I put her in her crib for safe keeping, while I clean the floor. She is still crying. I go in to get her. As I’m taking her out of the crib, vomit shoots everywhere, including into Tonya’s drawers. Another bath, again clean the floor. This time no clothes.
It’s now 5:00, and I guess I got what I wanted. She has thrown up so many times I lost track. If there is any Poop left in her system, it would have to be down in the very tips of her toes. The bad part is, her breath really stinks.
After discharging the last patient in the ER, I started for the sleep room at about 2AM. The nurse told me a moderately intoxicated man was coming in with a stuck contact lens. She offered to take it out with a suction lens remover and have me sign the chart in the morning. Half an hour later the ringing telephone at the bedside told me she hadn’t succeeded.
Examination of the patient’s eyes produced an immediate explaination: Neither eye HAD a contact lens in it. The patient had tried unsuccessfully to remove his cornea with his fingernails, and the nurse had failed to improve the situation with the suction cup.
Unpersuaded by the facts, the patient repeatedly grasped his cornea between his thumb and middle fingernails and pulled until his grip slipped off the tented membrane. Each attempt produced the same exclaimation, “Goddamn, that hurts. See, I can get it out to here but it always pops back.”
Finally, I asked to see his contact lens case. I showed him the lenses in his case and asked, “Whose lenses are these?” Only then did he relunctantly admit he must have taken them out and forgotten.
Two Tylenol 3’s got him through the night. A followup exam the next day revealed normal vision, healing corneal abrasions, a large subconjunctival hemorrage, and an ugly hangover.
There was a Texan being tried in a court in New York, and being a Texan, he felt he didn’t stand a chance of beating the murder rap. So, shortly before the jury was to retire to deliberate on a verdict, he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter. The jury was out for days, after which they returned a verdict of manslaughter. Taking the juror he had bribed to one side, the Texan said, “Thanks a million. How ever did you manage it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the juror. “The others wanted to acquit you.”
The pope decides to buy a Ferrari and go for a drive. He invites 2 of his cardinals along and once on the “autostrada” is quickly accelerating to 250 km/h and zig-zags in the traffic overtaking the slower traffic. He continues to accelerate when the first cardinal, white as a ghost from fright taps on the pope’s shoulder and asks the pope to pull over and let him out. The pope says to him “don’t worry, Jesus is with us”. The cardinal politely repeats his request to the pope. The pope slows down and lets him out.
The second cardinal is about to step out of the car, when the pope gives him a mean look, and the 2nd cardinal decides to stay. The pope floors it and gets to 300 km/h in no time, zig zagging and passing all the traffic. The cardinal taps the pope on the shoulder and kindly asks the pope if he would let him out, to which the pope replies “don’t worry, Jesus is with us”. The cardinal suggests that if the pope doesn’t want his new Ferrari smelling of human waste, that he let him out. Once again the car slows down to a stop and the cardinal gets out.
Accelerating at lightning speed the pope has the speedo at 350k, everything vibrating, cars being overtaken left, right and centre when the the pope feels a tap on the shoulder. “Who’s that!” asks the pope.
“It’s Jesus, let me out of the car!”
lottery: n., a tax on people who are bad at math
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:
“God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue:
“God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue:
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
“JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET!”
Star Wars: Takes place long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Star Trek: Takes place in the future, in a galaxy very near.
Star Wars: Lots of sequels. More on the way, including spinoffs. Star Trek: Lots of sequels. More on the way, including spinoffs.
Star Wars: Young hothead (Luke Skywalker) matures and learns to use strange mental powers. Star Trek: Young hothead (Wesley Crusher) matures and learns that he has strange mental powers.
Star Wars: Humans run the galaxy. Star Trek: Humans run the galaxy.
Star Wars: Aloof princess needs help. Star Trek: Aloof Betazoid offers help.
Star Wars: Action toys sell well. Star Trek: Action toys sell poorly.
Star Wars: Strange alien (Yoda) offers moral guidance. Star Trek: Strange alien (Spock) offers logical guidance
Star Wars: Annoying android (C3PO) has a stupid name, talks funny, walks funny, and gets partially disassembled from time to time. Star Trek: Annoying android (Data) has a stupid name, talks funny, walks funny, and gets partially disassembled from time to time.
Star Wars: You’ve got a good chance of being killed off if you’re wearing a Storm Trooper uniform. Star Trek: You’ve got a good chance of being killed off if you’re wearing a red shirt.
Star Wars: Frequent explosions in vacuum violate laws of physics. Star Trek: Frequent explosions in vacuum violate laws of physics.
Star Wars: Darth Vader is actually Luke’s father, and Princess Leia is actually Luke’s sister. Star Trek: Dr. Crusher is actually Wesley’s mother.
Star Wars: Cute ewoks cause problems, then turn out to be helpful in the end. They also provide some comic relief. Star Trek: Cute tribbles cause problems, then turn out to be helpful in the end. They also provide some comic relief.
Star Wars: Major characters get killed sometimes but come back later as benevolent ghostly appearances. Star Trek: Major characters get killed occasionally but come back later as special guest appearances.
Star Wars: Without the special effects, would have five minutes of screen time. Star Trek: Without the special effects, would have five minutes of screen time.
Star Wars: Hotheaded pilot (Han Solo) has been in trouble with the authorities. Star Trek: Hotheaded pilot (Tom Paris) has been in trouble with the authorities.
Star Wars: Evil beings who want to take over the galaxy live in a city-sized spherical spacecraft. Star Trek: Evil beings who want to take over the galaxy live in a city-sized cubical spacecraft.
Star Wars: Space warp will get you there, unless it’s broken. Star Trek: Space warp will get you there, unless it’s broken.
Star Wars: Never let the laws of physics spoil a good plot. Star Trek: Never let the laws of physics spoil a good plot.
Star Wars: Aliens eat strange food, and speak strange languages. Star Trek: Aliens eat strange food, and speak good English.
Star Wars: Nobody wears a space suit. Star Trek: Nobody wears a space suit.
Star Wars: Everything gets solved in the last few minutes. Star Trek: Everything gets solved in the last few minutes.
Star Wars: Space weapons look cool. Star Trek: Space weapons look cool.
Star Wars: Large furry alien (Chewbacca) speaks a strange language but still understands English. He is always gruff but helpful. Star Trek: Large furry alien (Worf) speaks a strange language but still understands English. He is always gruff but helpful.
Star Wars: In the end, you can win if you turn off your high-tech gadgets and use the Force when it’s needed. Star Trek: In the end, you can win if you turn on your high-tech gadgets and use force when it’s needed.
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