January 1, 0001
HumourList Package #5 - More Misc Jokes
Well, happy new year to you all. Hopefully you all got everything on your Christmas wish list. I didn’t, but apparently the Porsche comes next year… What all did I have on my list? Well, the usual stuff: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to all Humankind, a girlfriend, etc.. I have been told that all of them have about the same chance of happening, but hey - I’m not bitter.
I know you’re all dying to know what I got, but I won’t list it all here… Besides, my sister and her husband receive these packages, and if I forget something, I could be in big trouble… :-)
This package is a little smaller than normal (is that cheering I hear?), but just as funny as the rest of them (Keith, stop groaning…). I was going to send out a holiday humour package, but didn’t have time, so it’ll wait until next Christmas.
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Benjamin was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
“I wish to leave everything I own, stocks, bonds, property, art and money to my wife. However, there is one stipulation”.
“And that is?” queried the attorney.
“In order to inherit, she must marry again within six months of my death”.
The lawyer seemed puzzled and asked, “Why make such an unusual request?”
Mr. Benjamin answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”
When he was finished with the bulk of the changes to his will, old Franklin added yet one more stipulation: that he be buried at sea.
He explained, “That’s just in case my wife makes good on her threat to dance on my grave”.
A man went to the dentist’s, his wife by his side. When they arrived at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: “I’ll only be a few minutes”, he assured her.
So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, “How much will it cost if you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?” The dentist replies, “That would be $100.” The guy winces, and says, “Oh, that’s far too expensive. How ‘bout if you use that novocaine, and go in and pull that tooth?” The dentist says, “50 dollars.” “That’s a little better,” says the guy, “but still more than I want to pay. How ‘bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the tooth?” “5 dollars”, comes the dentist’s reply. “That’s fine”, says the man, “We’ll do it that way.”
He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and says to his wife, “Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!”
The line for the super bowl game stretched into the next county. A guy coming late walked up to the front of the line and tried to push his way in. An irate fan who’d been waiting all night for the gates to open cussed the guy and heaved him fifty feet back down the line.
The guy tries a second time, and again, get’s sworn at and tossed back down the line.
After the third time of all this happening, the guy picks himself up and tells the fan, “Listen, butthead, if you don’t stop throwing me back down the line, nobody’s getting in today. I’m the guy with the stinkin’ key!”
HOW COLD IS IT? An Annotated Thermometer
+50F / +10C New York tenants try to turn on the heat People from Ontario plant gardens
+40F / +4C Californians shiver uncontrollably Albertans sunbathe
+35F / +2C Italian cars don’t start
+32F / 0C Distilled water freezes
+30F / -1C You can see your breath You plan a two-week vacation in Florida Politicians begin to worry about the homeless Manitobans eat ice cream
+25F / -4C Lake Ontario water freezes Californians weep pitiably Cat insists on sleeping on your bed
+20F / -7C New York water freezes San Franciscans start thinking favorably of L.A. Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15F / -10C You plan a two-week vacation in Acapulco Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you B.C. residents go swimming
+10F / -12C Politicians begin to talk about the homeless Too cold to snow You need jumper cables to get the car going
0F / -18C New York landlords turn on the heat Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!
-5F / -21C You can HEAR your breath You plan a two-week vacation in Hawaii
-10F / -23C American cars don’t start Too cold to skate
-15F / -26C You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo People from Miami cease to exist Canadians lick flagpoles
-20F / -29C Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down window screens
-25F / -32C Too cold to kiss You need jumper cables to get the driver going Japanese cars don’t start Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training
-30F / -34C You plan a two-week hot bath Pilsener freezes Bock beer production begins NWT residents shovel snow off roof
-38F / -39C Mercury freezes Too cold to think Canadians do up their top button
-40F / -40C Californians disappear Your car insists on sleeping in your bed with you Quebecers put on sweaters
-50F / -46C Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60F / -51C Walruses abandon Aleutians Sign on Mount St. Helens: “Closed for the Season” Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby
-70F / -57C Glaciers in Central Park Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
-80F / -62C Polar bears abandon Baffin Island Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby
-90F / -68C Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of the border
-100F / -73C Santa Claus abandons North Pole Canadians pull down earflaps
-173F / -114C Ethyl alcohol freezes
-297F / -183C Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445F / -265C Superconductivity
-452F / -269C Helium becomes a liquid
-454F / -270C Hell freezes over
-456F /-271C Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on the 400-series highways
-458F / -272C Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution
-460F / -273C (Absolute Zero) All atomic motion ceases Canadians start admitting it’s a tad nippy outside
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and hides her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it? “Yes it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in HERE!!” the priest says.
McDonald's Job Application & Employment Test
Name_____________________________ Trailer Park________________
Pay phone closest to your house ______________________
Why do you want to work at McDonalds? A. For a career opportunity. B. For job security. C. Because I fit that ‘geek’ profile.
Where did you hear about McDonalds? A. From the newspaper. B. From the radio. C. From the 30 billion a year McDonalds spends on TV ads convincing us we should pay $3.49 for a 30cent hamburger.
Do you promise to end every sentence you ever speak at McDonalds with the words “Do you want fries with that?”? A. Yes. B. No. C. Yes, do you want fries with that?
If a customer ordered a Big Mac, extra cheese, no lettuce, light on the mayo, what would you give him? A. A Big Mac, extra cheese, no lettuce, light on the mayo. B. A Big mac, no cheese, extra lettuce, extra mayo. C. Fifteen milkshakes & a happy meal.
What would you do if you found hair in the hamburger meat? A. Notify the manager. B. Charge the customer extra. C. Say “Would you like fries with the hair in your hamburger?”
If you were working the drive thru, what would you say through the intercom too the customer? A. Welcome to McDonalds. B. Welcome to McDonalds, my name is (your name), and would you like fries with that? C. Wauhb ot Muhdonna, la eyt ubb farbbwith that?
Answers: If you answered “C” to 5 or more questions, welcome to the world of McMinimum Wage!
When promulgating your esoteric cogitations and articulating your amicable and philosophical observations beware of platitudinous ponderosity, and let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness and a compact comprehensibleness without coalescent consistency or a concatenated cogency.
Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations and let your extemporaneous descantings have a voracious vivacity without rodomontade sagacity.
In other words, speak briefly, say what you mean, mean what you say, and above all don’t use big words.
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