January 3, 1997
Well, here it is - number 3... And for those of you that wish to give a heavy sigh of relief, yes, I am running out of material... If I keep up this pace of 10-15 jokes per day in a collage like this, I'll be out of material, oh, sometime next month... Just kidding. I'll probably run out on Friday. You ever had one of those days? Sure, we all have. Today, mine started out like the doctor in joke #4, but it's getting better. I'm typing up this header at work (as well as compiling this list), and will finish editting it when I get home, and will probably get it out Wednesday evening. --- Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
The second-grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral.
First student stood up and said, “I went to my uncle’s farm, and one day we counted the eggs in the chicken coop to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a fox ate half of the eggs. The moral I learned was don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Second student stood up and said, “One day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk. On my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. She said not to cry over spilled milk.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Third kid stood up and said, “My father told me one of his war stories. He was stranded in a foxhole with only a 40oz. bottle of Jack Daniels, twelve rounds of ammo, and two grenades. He drank all the whiskey, and then the enemy showed up. He shot up twelve guys with the bullets, and blew up twenty more with the grenades.”
“Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?” asked the teacher, horrified.
“Don’t mess with my old man when he’s drunk.”
Where Do babies Come From?
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born?”
The mother replied, “The stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” she answered.
“So… how were grandpa and grandma born?”
Wondering about why all the questions, the mother said, “Well, darling, the stork brought them too.”
The next day the boy handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, “This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
A kid is sitting on the side of the road, holding a bottle of liquid. A priest comes along and asks what he has in the bottle.
“Turpentine,” the kid replies, “the most powerful thing in the universe.”
The priest studies the bottle reflectively for a moment, then says, “Son, the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s stomach, she’ll pass a baby boy.”
The kid says, “Aw, that ain’t nothin’. You rub this on a cat’s butt, and it’ll pass a motorcycle…”
Take a Deep Breath
At the monthly staff meeting, the hospital director brought up the head nurse’s accusation that Dr. Smith had addressed her in a rude and vulgar manner. “We must censure this sort of behaviour,” the chief pointed out. “Have you anything to say in your defense?”
“Let me explain the extenuating circumstances,” requested Dr. Smith. “First of all, my alarm didn’t go off. So when I saw how late I was, I jumped out of bed, caught my foot in the sheets and fell over, smacking my head into the bedside table, which broke my lamp. Clambering to my feet, I stepped on a piece of the lamp and cut my foot. As I was shaving, the doorbell rang, caught me by complete surprise, and I cut myself. It was a young fellow selling encyclopedias, and I had to buy A through G before I could get rid of him. I’d forgotten my bagel in the toaster oven, so it was burnt, and my coffee was cold by the time I got to drink it. On my way to the car, I slipped, bruising my knee and tearing my coat, and then the battery iin the car turned out to be dead. It took forty-five minutes for the serviceman to come over and get the car started, which cost me eighty-five dollars. I should have taken a cab anyway, because in the hospital parking lot, the snowplow ran into my car, totaling the front end.”
Dr. Smith took a deep breath and continued, “And when I finally got to my office and sat down at my desk to collect myself, Nurse McMahon burst in and said, ‘Doctor, that shipment of six dozen thermometers just arrived – where do you want me to put them?’ so I told her the first place that came to mind…”
Exactly what BAV Do You Need to Pull This Off?
A car sped off the highway, went through a guardrail, shot over a cliff, bounced off a tree, rolled three times, and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist who witnessed the accident helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. “My Lord, mister,” he gasped, “are you drunk?”
“Well yeah, of course I’m drunk!” said the guy, “Whaddya think I am – a stunt driver?”
Plus back-taxes …
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess. He went to the local priest and said, “Forgive me Father, because I have sinned. During WW2, I hid a Jew in my attic.”
“Well,” answered the priest, “that is no sin.”
“But I charged him for 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there.”
“I admit that that wasn’t good, but it still wasn’t a sin and you did it for a good cause.”
“Yes, but I haven’t told him that the war is over!”
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, “This is a crock of ^%#$, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this, my friends, is how $#!& happens.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Of course, this is driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the heck is taking so long? Hit the stinkin’ ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Well, heck, man, you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
Bill Clinton and the Genie
Strolling along a beach one day, Bill Clinton stumbled over a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, he rubbed it to expose the label. Suddenly a cloud spewed out of the bottle and a genie appeared, saying, “Master, thank you for saving me from that awful prison I’ve been in for a thousand years. As an expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish.” Clinton thinks for a second and says, “I want peace in the Middle East!”
The genie thinks back, “Middle East… Middle East…I can’t seem to remember where that is. Can you jog my memory a little?” Clinton whips out a world map and points out the area. The genie’s eyes pop open and he mutters, “Oh, yeah. Now I remember. The Middle East! Man, that’s a tough one. All those people over there been fighting since the day after God made coal. I’m sorry, fella, but that’s more than I can handle. Can you wish for something else?”
Clinton says, “Well…could you make the American people like my wife? I have an election coming up.”
The genie pauses for a long while, grimaces, then finally mumbles, “Geez, lemme see that map again…”
Marriage Made in Heaven
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven soon afterward, the guy told St. Peter, “My fiancee and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?” St. Peter said, “I’ll tell you what – wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They repeated their request to St. Peter, who told them, “I’m sorry, but there’s a problem. You’ll have to wait another five years.”
After another five years go by, they find St. Peter again. This time he answers, “Yes, you may marry now. Thanks for your patience.”
The couple got married. However, they soon found that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter gave them a thousand-yard stare, and finally muttered, “Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
Pretend We’re Married
A group of elderly folks was traveling by train on a special senior-citizen tour offered by a travel agency. There were a few widowers, but most were widows.
While sleeping soundly in an upper berth (bunk-bed style sleeping areas), one of the old fellows was awakened by a persistent tapping from below. “Excuse me, sir, are you awake?” asked the widow in the bottom berth.
“I am now,” he said irritably.
“It’s rather chilly down here. I wonder if you would mind getting me a blanket?”
“I’ve got a better idea, madam,” he said, “Let’s pretend we’re married.”
The woman starts giggling. “That sounds like a lovely idea,” she said coyly.
“Good,” he said, rolling over. “Now go get your own stupid blanket!”
Polly Want a Salty Cracker
So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”. But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK that’s it for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible ruckus. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot asks, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”.
Magicians Never Tell Their Secrets
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who’d seen all the magician’s tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored out of his skull, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician’s performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn’t take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, “Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
Top 10: Things you don’t want to hear when you regain consciousness
- I’ve never seen one of those before, quick pack it in ice.
- It’s great that some people like this are willing to donate their vital organs.
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still kicking.
- Blink once for yes.
- What? Who’s in the other bed? Actually, that’s also you.
- Why does it say DROF on his head?
- Do you think he can hear us?
- I didn’t even know one could bend that way, let alone both.
- I’m sorry, but we were only able to thaw your head.
- Hold still, we’ve almost pried its jaws open.
Not the Best Idea
A guy staggers into a hospital E.R. looking like he’d been run over by a Greyhound. “Good Lord!” exclaims the nurse. “What happened to you?”
The guy mutters, “… Went to a costume party dressed as a pinata.”