January 2, 1997
Gee, I bet you can't guess what this little 'collection' is all about... You got it, the ever-famous bar jokes, where everything, and anything can happen. I sorted through web sites gathering what I felt were some of the funnier ones, compiled this big, huge list, and away we go... The last five jokes are not bar-related though... By the way, welcome to the "HumourList"'s newest subscribers, whether they like it or not - Susie, and Heather. Heather, you can thank John Boyer for getting you on this list... --- Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in any way without permission of the author.
Little Yellow Dog
A guy walks into a bar with a little, yellow, long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm.
“That’s one ugly dog,” says another patron while petting his Doberman.
“Yeah,” says the guy, “but he’s the meanest thing you’ll ever set eyes on…”
“That so?” says the other patron. “I bet $20 my dog will kick his butt in less than two minutes.”
The guy agrees and they put their dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an eye, the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman’s owner is crying and cussing, and screams “What kind of $#%@ dog is this?”
“Well” says the guy, “before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator.”
Perhaps One Too Many
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got that drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
… And a basket of fries
A man with an alligator walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “do you serve IRS agents here?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Good, give me a beer, and my gator’ll have an IRS agent!”
Seeing Eye Dogs
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The man, a quick thinker, says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!” The bartender replies, “Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man tells him “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.”
The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in.
The bartender shouts “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!”
The second man stares straight ahead and hollers “What!? They sold me a Chihuahua?!”
His Name was Appetizer
A man walks into a bar and says to the other man, was that your dog outside?”
The second man says “Yeah, why?”
The first man answers “Well, my dog just killed your dog!”
The second man yells “Oh no! How could you let such a vicious dog out on the streets? What kind of dog do you have?”
The first man replied “I have a Chihuahua!”
The second man, stunned, asked “Wait, how did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?!?”
The first man answered “Your dog tried to eat my dog and choked!”
A Pint of Clarity, Please
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“Does your dog bite?” he asked. “No.” was the reply.
A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” the man said indignantly.
“That’s not my dog.” was the answer.
He said “Ooo-eee, ooo-ah-ah…”
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks “He can drink?”
“Oh, sure. He can drink.”
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
“That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an idiot!”
Blood From a Rock
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train.
The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into a single restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” said one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. The train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”
Where we at, Earl?
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for some deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six bucks. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your bucks; you will have to leave two behind.”
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. and the plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.
But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “Isn’t this about the same place we crashed the last year?”
You know, you can predict the winner of the general election by the weather. According to the historical records, if the election is held on a cold, wet day, then Bob Dole will have the best chance of winning. If the weather is warm and sunny, then Bill Clinton has the edge. And, of course, if it’s a cold day in hell, Ross Perot will win.
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.
The wife asked, “Pardon me, but do you work here?”
“No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered, bowing his head toward them.
The wife asked, “Are you a genie?”
“Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself,” he replied.
The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes… one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, which would make him one of the world’s best golfers, to which the wife readily agreed. The other wish was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, “Done!”
The genie now said, “For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire.” The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.
After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if he asked her a few questions. “No, I don’t mind,” she replied.
“How long have you been married?” he asked her.
She replied, “3 years.”
The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”
To which she responded, “31 years old.”
Then the genie asked, “So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?”
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes: Whack … “Darn it!”
The other goes: “Darn it!” … Whack