HumourList Package 1 - Relationships

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January 1, 1997


Well, I've been asked by a few people individually, and then had three or
four people gang up on me last night asking me to PLEASE group joke
messages together, and not send 50 single emails at a time.

You spoke, I listened...  Kind of like my last girlfriend...

If anyone has some jokes they want to pass around to the "list", send
them to me, and I'll try to group them into relevant 'packages' as I can,
and spread them around to everybody on the list.  I don't have everybody's
new Email addresses either (for those of you at Woodvale), so "if you
don't get this Email, call me" <grin>.  If you know of anyone that you
think would like to get these corny jokes on a regular basis (a couple per
day, as opposed to 20 today, none tomorrow, 15 the next day, etc.), send
 me their Email addresses. I'll Email them ahead of time to make sure
 they really want them, etc...

Anyways, enough of this... on with the Jokes.  I've really tried to
'clean up' as many of the jokes as I can.  Those I can't, well, I just
do the best I can.  Sorry in advance if these offend anyone...

---
Opening header is Copyright 1997 by Ian W. Douglas; all rights are
reserved, and no portion should be copied in any way or modified in
any way without permission of the author.

How Men and Women Think Differently

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: “Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.”

And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months.”

And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward … I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”

And Roger is thinking: “… so that means it was … let’s see … February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means … lemme check the odometer … Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”

And Roger is thinking: “And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and to think I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”

And Elaine is thinking: “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.”

And Roger is thinking: “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.”

And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a damn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their … “

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so … ” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that … It’s that I … I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”


The Nine Kinds of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy

  • Quote: “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
  • Also Known As: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
  • Pros: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
  • Cons: May wise up someday

Old Yeller

  • Quote: “You stupid, spineless, good-for-nothing, lazy, no talent jerk! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
  • Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
  • Pros: Pays attention to you
  • Cons: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly

  • Quote: “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
  • Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
  • Pros: Predictable
  • Cons: Contagious

The Bosser

  • Quote: “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
  • Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, “yes Mom…”
  • Pros: Often right
  • Cons: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied

  • Quote: “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
  • Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, “Aw c’mon Honey”
  • Pros: Easily soothed
  • Cons: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control

  • Quote: “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
  • Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
  • Pros: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
  • Cons: Unreliable, drives off cliffs

Miss Huffy

  • Quote: “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
  • Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
  • Pros: Your friends will feel sorry for you
  • Cons: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars

  • Quote: “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
  • Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
  • Pros: Entertaining, unfathomable
  • Cons: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl

  • Quote: “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
  • Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
  • Pros: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
  • Cons: Will have nothing to do with you

The Nine Kinds of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive

  • Quote: “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
  • Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft- boiled Egg, Snugglepup
  • Pros: Well-behaved, irons own shirts
  • Cons: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus

  • Quote: “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
  • Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
  • Pros: Stays put; predictable
  • Cons: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy

  • Quote: “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
  • Also known as: Trembley, Creampuff, Hey you
  • Pros: Jumps entertainingly when startled
  • Cons: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot

  • Quote: “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
  • Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
  • Pros: Can tote bales of hay, is easily fooled
  • Cons: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones

  • Quote: “Zzzzzz”
  • Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
  • Pros: Well rested, easy target
  • Cons: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams

The Sneak

  • Quote: “Who, me?”
  • Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime
  • Pros: May feel pangs of guilt
  • Cons: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts

  • Quote: “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
  • Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
  • Pros: Perpetually aroused
  • Cons: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer

  • Quote: “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
  • Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
  • Pros: Tells good stories
  • Cons: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

Mr. Right

  • Quote: “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
  • Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
  • Pros: Answer to a woman’s prayer
  • Cons: Hunted to extinction

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers…

The five questions are:

  1. “What are you thinking?”
  2. “Do you love me?”
  3. “Do I look fat?”
  4. “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
  5. “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

“What are you thinking?”

The proper answer to this question, of course, is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

  • Basketball
  • Football
  • How fat you are
  • How much prettier she is than you
  • How he would spend the life insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. Al said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

“Do you love me?”

The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.”

For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.”

Wrong answers include:

  • I suppose so.
  • Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  • That depends on what you mean by “love”.
  • Does it matter?
  • Who, me?

“Do I look fat?”

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not”

… and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

  • I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
  • Compared to what?
  • A little extra weight looks good on you.
  • I’ve seen fatter.
  • Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your life insurance policy.

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.”

Wrong answers include:

  • Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  • I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
  • Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
  • Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
  • Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your life insurance policy.

“What would you do if I died?”

Correct answer:

“Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.”

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”

“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.

“No, of couse not, dear” said the husband.

“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.

“Of course I do, dear” he said.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”

“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes” said the husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.

“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.

“I see,” said the wife indignantly.” And would you let her wear my old clothes?”

“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.

“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”

“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”

“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”

“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.”