i hate recruiters who STILL can't read

So for kicks, I decide it’s time to update my resume at CareerBuilder this morning. Literally within 20 minutes of posting my resume, I log back in and the site tells me that 22 people have viewed it. Heh, that can’t be right. I hit F5 to refresh. 23 Views.
F5 to refresh. 25 Views.
Oh crap!

I realize I’d forgotten my standard disclaimer about relocation, add it quickly, and save my change. Within 3 hours of updating it, I’ve had 82 views. It was then that I realized that my phone is about to ring off the hook from people seeing my resume at the top of the stack as a 10-year senior-level LAMP web developer.

Amazingly, after screening a few Emails, I only get a single phone call 2 hours after updating my resume. Maybe CareerBuilder just isn’t as busy – if I’d updated my resume on DICE I’d have had my phone ringing every 10 minutes.

Him: “Hi, is Ian there?”
Me: “Yes, this is.”
Him: “Hi this is YouCantPronounceMyName BecauseOfMyForeignAccent, and I’m calling from SomeUndecypherableCompanyNameBecauseEnglishIsntMyNativeLanguage Incorporated, and we found your resume on CareerBuilder … we’d like to Email you a form to fill out and send back to us with your current resume so we can submit it to a client of ours because you’re the perfect fit for this great position. Okay.”
Me: “Uh-huh, sure I am … where are they located?”
Him: “New York City”
Me: “Is the job 100% telecommute?”
Him: “Heheh, no of course not!”
Me: “You did READ my resume on CareerBuilder, yeah?”
Him: “Yes, that’s how I got your phone number. Okay.”
Me: “Then, uh, if you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t you take into consideration the opening paragraph which says, quite plainly, that if a job is located outside of the area where I currently live that the job must be 100% telecommute because I have no intention of relocating?”
Him: “Uh … I … So you only want to find work in California?”
Me: “That’s the idea…”
Him: “Well, um, (mumble mode: on) if you fill out the form we’ll Email you and send it back with your current resume, we’ll try to find another client with a position suitable to your skills. Okay.”
Me: “Considering you found me on CareerBuilder because I just updated my resume there, they have the most recent copy, you can get it from them.”
Him: “Yes, but if you could just Email it back to me with the form, we can maybe find another client who will offer to pay to relocate you …”
Me: “But I’m not interested in relocating.”
Him: “Okay. Well if you’ll just fill in the form that we’ll Email to you …”
Me: “(interrupting) Don’t bother Emailing me.” (click)

Seriously, I’m not the kind of person to bag on people with foreign accents - some of my best friends in life are from all over the world, and I’m sure I’d have been voted Mr Congeniality at my high school because I seriously DO get along with everyone. But what’s up with recruiting agencies hiring people who don’t even read the resumes of the people they’re trying to hire? My opening paragraph states in pretty common English:

I have no interest in relocating outside of the Los Angeles area at this time. Please do not contact me about your job posting if you are outside of the Los Angeles area where 100% telecommute is not possible. I have a very successful history of working remotely for long-distance clients, but do not have the means or desire to move for a new job. My current search area is Brea/Fullerton/Cypress/Anaheim; outside of that area, telecommute access will be mandatory for a significant portion of my time with your business.

Now, granted, there are likely a lot of people that lie on their resume, but this isn’t like saying I’ve got 20 years of PHP experience instead of 10, or that I have an intermediate knowledge of ASP when the limitation of my knowledge is how to spell it.

But c’mon, if the opening paragraph of a resume says quite plainly “I’m not moving, and this is my search region”, why wouldn’t you respect that? Seriously folks, I’m going to start reciting that paragraph every time I answer the phone for the next week.

I’ve had one Email so far offering a job in Calabasas which I quite politely replied to saying that no job in the world is worth me sitting in my car for 5-6 hours every day. One piece of spam offering me a job to work for Farmer’s Insurance. One job that sounds like a good fit that offers 100% telecommute, but involves heavy sysadmin duties which, in my experience doesn’t play well with “100% telecommute”. We’ll see how it goes.

Things will be worse, much worse, when I update my resume on DICE, so I’m holding off until after my vacation in early August before going that route – I don’t plan on spending my vacation time repeating “No, I’m not willing to relocate” on the phone.