… who don’t understand webdev technology

So I updated my resume and reactivated it at dice.com, and found one response in my Inbox already. It was from someone named Vijay, and his job requirement made me absolutely laugh out loud at the absurdity, given my history as a senior LAMP developer working on open-source software for the majority of my career.

Job Title: E Commerce WEB Developer
Position Type: Full Time
Location: Louisville, KY
Job Description:
* Develop eCommerce based WEB applications using C#, VB, MS eCommerce, SharePoint, HTML and SQL 2000 and 2005.
* Proven success in developing B2B and B2C applications on time and within budget.
* Provide superior customer service and production support to both internal and external customers, meeting and surpassing service level agreements.
* Assist vendors and other 3rd party developers with the design and development of applications.
Primary Skills:
* C#, * VB, * MS eCommerce, * SharePoint,
* HTML and SQL 2000 and 2005,
* MS Visual Studio .NET (especially C#,) Required Skills:
* MS Visual Studio .NET (especially C#, VB.NET, ASP.NET, ADO.NET, and web services, including XML),
* MS Visual Basic (VB),
* MS Internet Information Server (IIS),
* MS eCommerce Server,
* Alamark,
* Active Server Pages (ASP), VBScript, XML, HTML,
* MS SQL Server, ADO, OLEDB, ODBC, SQL, UML, Use Cases, COM, ActiveX,
* MS Windows XP, Vista,
* TCP/IP, HTTP, DNS, DHCP, WINS,
* Crystal Reports, MS Digital Dashboard, MS SharePoint, SharePoint WebParts

Now, if you don’t understand what half of this stuff means, don’t worry: neither do I.

I wrote Vijay back politely explaining that I have zero skill or experience in most of what this job requires as basic duties, and that Kentucky was certainly not on my list of places to work, and thanks for wasting my time and his own. I mean seriously, my resume is on DICE clearly indicating 12 years of experience as a software developer, most of that in a role using the LAMP stack (linux, apache, mysql, perl/php), and even on my resume page here I clearly indicate (by exclusion) that I have no skill in Windows programming.

Seriously, what was his search term that found my resume? “Web” ? I guess I’ll never know. I did list “e-commerce” as one of my dozen-or-so skills on Dice, but the rest were very clearly open-source technologies.